As a child, I was powerless. Powerless to speak my mind, powerless to say no and powerless to express my needs and wants. But fast forward to plenty of therapy later, I am learning that I can be a powerful person and so, I’ve been more proactive in establishing healthy boundaries. Because as I mentioned in another post, boundaries are key to feeling powerful and having fulfilling healthy relationships!

I’m learning to recognize when I need to say no to people, and am not so quick to give, when I ‘m running on empty. Perhaps you know the feeling, perhaps you too are learning to set good boundaries so you don’t feel overrun and overextended all the time. But boundaries can be tricky, especially for those who are used to getting run over.

Trust me, I get it. In my attempt to hold good boundaries, I’ve had some setbacks. Quite a few to be honest. And I’m left feeling frustrated and taken advantage of once again, as I continue to bend over backwards for people. I’ve learned the hard way, that most people don’t seem to respond well to my boundaries and they push back, so I fold. Rather than stand my ground, I give in to what they want. I don’t enforce my boundaries because I either:

A) don’t want to put up a fight,

B) am worried about how they’ll respond and if they’ll get angry,

or C) I feel guilty for being “mean” and unaccommodating.

But as my counselor is teaching me, it’s not wrong for me to enforce my boundaries. In fact, it is paramount that I learn to enforce my boundaries so that I don’t I become, overwhelmed, irritable, impatient and resentful towards others. If I don’t maintain my boundaries, my relationships begin to feel heavy, one sided, and I end up getting taken advantage of. But the journey from a powerless person, to a powerful person isn’t easy and doesn’t happen overnight, especially if you’re surrounded by people who are used to you giving in when they don’t respect your boundaries.

But don’t give up, there is a way through this! The fact that you are even trying to set boundaries is an impressive step that shows you’re really trying to improve yourself and your relationships. Hang in there! Because even though we can’t control other people’s reaction to our boundaries, we can stick to our guns and grow stronger at holding them.

So, if you give someone a boundary and they roll right past it, remind them a second, third or fourth time; be kind, but firm. And make it clear that you won’t budge on your position until they agree to respect your position. Let it be a learning opportunity for them to realize that a healthy relationship takes mutual respect, perhaps they’ll grow with you. If they are treating you with disrespect or cruelty make it clear that you won’t engage with them until they treat you better, that those are your standards for friendship. And when they forget or slip back into old habits of being degrading or calling names, remind them of your boundary and make it clear that you won’t be around them until they stop treating you this way.

Or if you tell someone no and they ignore you and do what they want anyways, keep saying it and then remove yourself from the environment if they refuse to listen. And if they’re asking for something from you (for a favor, for your time, money, resources, or emotional help) clearly let them know what you need from them in advance. Communicate what your boundaries are, so that you don’t take on too much and get burnt out helping others. Remember, it’s not wrong to want to help people, but there is a fine line between rescuing and helping, and the moment we become someone’s rescuer is the moment we overextend ourselves and run the risk of burn out. Ask yourself what they can take responsibility for, so that their problems, needs or requests aren’t all on your plate. Is there a part they can do to help themselves, so you’re not taking care of them?

Unfortunately, sometimes people will agree to your boundaries when you tell them (some people will agree to anything) but when the time comes, they still haven’t done their part. And yet they’ll expect you to fulfill your end of the bargain. It can really be infuriating! But if you (like me) are used to giving in to others and are new to holding boundaries, then your natural instinct will be to forget the boundaries you set and just do whatever they want to get them off your back. This is any easy cycle to fall back into, but please don’t! Instead, remind them of the commitment they made to you, before you give them what they want. Make it very clear (because maybe they didn’t understand last time, or simply didn’t think you meant it). But be up front that you are waiting on them to fulfill their end of the bargain and that they must respect your boundaries before you move forward.

Sometimes you might feel like you’re being a stickler, or being mean, or like your being heartless, but you’re not! If you are learning to set boundaries than it’s really important to not let the small stuff slide. To not give in when they put up a fight, because your peace of mind and well-being matters! You shouldn’t have to give in to people who get upset at boundaries, just because you’re a peacemaker. Practice enforcing your boundaries even when it seems insignificant or not worth the hassle. It’s far too easy to say they really seem to be fighting back, so perhaps I should give in, it isn’t worth the fight. But what you’re really saying is that you’re not worth the fight, that your peace of mind, and ability to not feel overwhelmed and pushed around isn’t worth it. And that’s not true, you are worth it! Your mental and emotional health is worth standing your ground for and is worth fighting for. You are worth fighting for! So stop letting people use up all your energy, and don’t let people treat you as worth less than you are! Some people will take you for granted if you let them, so stand your ground and enforce those boundaries when when it seems hard or like it’s so small it doesn’t matter. Because you matter! Focusing on your self-care doesn’t make you selfish, it’s what helps you grow into a healthy, happy and powerful person. You can do this.

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