All posts by Wonder in Wanderland

Wonder in Wanderland

Poetry and Creative Writing For Those Who Dream

Disillusionment

June 15, 2017 Wonder in Wanderland Leave a comment

Here is a poem I wrote about a month ago.

With every touch, in every glance, my heart pulses whispering “traitor, traitor, that’s who you’ve become.”

An inside joke, a warm gesture, A comfortable familiarity between you & I, but then words flash across my vision “traitor, traitor”.

A smile, a laugh, & constant companionship & Oh, how I love you. My naive heart whispers, “There are no Lies, nothing is wrong, you imagined it all & just let it go.”

But then, just there! How did I miss it? As obvious as the sun, it’s there written in your eyes. Written in the inky guilt plastered all over your face. Lurking behind the placid mask you use.

You tell me I’m mad, that I’ve lost all control, but I must trust my eyes over your words; your lies.

I know what I’ve seen, I know what I saw & it kills me to know this at all.

It shatters the image I had of you, it crumbles the past I shared with you.

My heart begs me to just forget, but I wont delude myself for your sake.

How this hurts! Deeper than any pain I’ve encountered, it breaks my heart in more ways than I can express. So much grief from betrayal weighs me down. How can I go on standing?

Because,

Every time you say her name, I know.

Every time your smile beams, because she’s texted you back. It’s as though a dagger has pierced my soul & I know.

Every time I ask what your doing on your phone & you hide it from me, I know.

Every time you lie & think I’ve fallen for it. I know.

When I look in your eyes, I see you contemplate it, you rationalize & justify yourself.

You must think I’m so stupid. But I know, I know.

And it makes me sick, when I think of you with her.

It makes heart scream, when I watch you try so desperately to impress her.

It makes my gut twist in pain, knowing you leave home early just to see her.

It makes me sick with disgust, when you try so hard to to justify your infatuation.

It makes me sick when you say to me “I love you, I’m here for you.” Because, I know. Oh, how much I know.

You think you’ve got me fooled. You must feel so proud.

You think you have the best of both worlds by keeping us both around.

But I know you want the attention, I know where this mindset leads.

I am NOT my husbands keeper, I’ve learned the hard way to let you make your own mistakes.

But this one my dear, this is TOO FAR, this mistake will cost you everything.

Will cost you the one person, who would have done anything, given up everything, who has laid down her own life for your sake.

I have forgiven much, I’ve given you 2nd, 3rd & 4th chances, I have given you everything that I am, everything that is mine to give, I gave. I have laid myself bare before you.

I may not be perfect, But I have loved you & supported & encouraged you, every step of the way.

You can not have us both. You can not win this wager. Only death will come of this. The death of my love for you.

This is the one place from which there is no return.

It’s like I’m watching you crash & burn in slow motion. And there’s nothing I can do to stop you.

So finally I confront you, I say “If you love me, you won’t talk to her” & you agree.

You promise not to share with her but you lie, you lie.

And still, every time you text her, I watch you smile to yourself.

I ask you what you’re doing & you lie, you lie.

You try to hide your smiles, but you can’t hide from me.

It’s plastered across your face, plain for all to see.

You swear and you swear and you swear.

The lies tumble out of your mouth, without regard. For me,

for truth, for anyone but you.

Nothing changes, still you swear your oaths to me.

You doom yourself with every lie.

Over and over you go around me, & behind me. But you never show a thing to me.

How can I in good conscience, bare my soul to you?

how can I share my life with one such as you?

Again you lie, so I lie back. Because how can I share my truths with you?

Round and round we lie, back and forth to the death.

We play this game, but to what end?

I know my end, I play to get out..

But what do you play for?

To keep me? Or to alienate me? To just get away with as much as you can?

Why? Why do you play this game?

Why do you play me?

Navigating Topsy-Turvy Relationships

What does Gas-lighting look like?

June 14, 2017 Wonder in Wanderland Leave a comment

Are You Being Gas-lighted?

Gas-lighting is when you “manipulate someone through psychological means into questioning their own sanity.”

But what does that really mean? Well simply put, it’s when you have someone in your life (could be a spouse or parent) who intentionally sows seeds of doubt into you, so that you doubt your own reality. They continually discredit your own thoughts, ideas, beliefs until you no longer trust your own eyes and mind. Until you doubt things you once knew for certain!

More often than not, you will need to be relatively isolated for this type of “brainwashing” to work. So this person will aim to keep you alienated from others, and distrusting of everyone but them, so that in time, you learn to take their word as complete truth. They will tell you all kinds of awful things about your friends and family and will also tell you about how your friends and family complain about you (or don’t like you). This will cause you to stop trusting everyone else and trust only the person gas-lighting you.

Your independence will slowly evaporate, and so will your self esteem. You won’t feel confident enough to make friends or open up to anyone except for the person gas-lighting you.

They have you right were they want you, now they can tell you any lies and treat you any way they want, knowing that they’ll get away with it. They have effectively convinced you that a) those things never happened, or b) that you overreacting and are irrational or “crazy”.

Seems intense right? But gas-lighting, doesn’t have to be intense and obvious for it to be dangerous. Even a small amount of subtle gas-lighting can be very harmful, as it will gradually eat away at your perception of reality.

If you think you are being gas-lighted here is a list of red flags from Psychology Today. These ten symptoms are all pretty common in gas-lighting victims.

You start to question if you are too sensitive. ( Example: You’re told you are too easily offended and need to stop holding on to things from the past and just get over it!)
You often feel confused and have a hard time making simple decisions. (Ex: You feel so indecisive and lack the confidence to make a decision and stand up for it. Also the gas-lighter twists everything in circles so that you can’t get anywhere in a conversation or argument.)
You find yourself constantly apologizing. (Ex: Even when someone wrongs you, you get pulled into sympathizing and coddling them, and start apologizing for anything and everything. Or maybe you feel like you’re walking on eggshells and are afraid to set them off.)
You can’t understand why you’re so unhappy. (Ex: Perhaps everything looks good on the outside of your life and yet you are miserable, depressed and hopeless.)
You often make excuses for your partner’s behavior. (Ex: You justify it, because they don’t know any better, or because they had a bad day, or bad childhood and so on.)
You feel like you can’t do anything right. (Ex: You are always the problem, always messing up. Eventually you start to question your own sanity. You wonder whats wrong with you!)
You often feel like you aren’t good enough for others. (Ex: Your self confidence has been stripped away and your self esteem has hit a new low.)
You have the sense that you used to be a more confident, relaxed and happy person. (Ex: You hardly recognize or like yourself anymore. You feel totally insecure or diminished.)
You are constantly second-guessing yourself. ( Ex: Did that even happen like you think it did? Perhaps you’re irrational and imagining it.)
You withhold information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain things. (Ex: You think they don’t understand him/her like you do. Or you don’t know how or want to talk about it, because your not even sure whats real anymore.)
You start lying to avoid the accusations. (Ex: You are sick of your version of events being so twisted, that you start lying about what happened just to avoid the accusations and confrontation that you know will inevitably be twisted.)

Do you recognize yourself any any of these? If you do, know that you are not crazy! Not even a little bit!

If you feel like you are being gas-lighted by a spouse or parent, my suggestion is for you to get as far away from them as possible! But, since I know that getting out isn’t always possible, here are a couple ways for you to take your power back and regain your sanity.

Stop taking responsibility for their feelings.
Don’t believe everything they say, recognize them for what they are: A Liar.
Don’t let them blame you for their actions. They are responsible for what comes out of them, not you!
Learn how to draw healthy boundaries & enforce them.
spend time around people who will encourage you & build you up, rather then tear you down.
Trust yourself, trust your instincts & don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Stick up for yourself! That also means knowing when to walk away.
The moment you feel them trying to guilt trip you, reject it. Don’t let the guilt in!
Spend time pampering & loving yourself.
Find ways to regain your self esteem, & independence, do something you once loved to do.
Write things down, so that it will be easier for you to trust your own memory.
Get some counseling or find some one mature you can talk with, to help you sort through all the lies.
Remember that people often accuse other of what they are guilty of, similarly people are cruel and shaming to others, after they have first treated themselves that way. So know that it really isn’t you with the problems… it them.

For more info or help about gas-lighting check out the link: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/getting-back-out-there/201610/10-ways-tell-if-youre-being-gaslighted

Poetry and Creative Writing For Those Who Dream

Late Night Wonderings…

May 29, 2017 Wonder in Wanderland Leave a comment

I’ve searched for love far and wide.
I’ve pushed and pulled, prodded and tried.
Ive hungered for love desperately.
Only to give up and say, its not what I need.

I’ve tried so hard, to be my best,
I’ve tried too hard to be perfect.
but the only love I ever earned,
was your conditional love splintered with hurt.

Your heavy love, that weighs me like a chain,
your indecisive love that leaves me when I’m stained.
Your empty words and those desperate pleas,
and when your selfishness explodes, its a million apologies.

Your hardened heart that blames everything on me,
is why you feel alone, it’s why your sad & can’t see.
Open your eyes, I’ve been here for you,
even at cost to my self I stay, wanting to be true.

But I cant take it anymore,
you give love, then take it away and slam the door.
Somehow you think it’s all my fault,
if I could be better, would I get a different result?

I’ve been alone for so long now, I’ve had to shut you out,
it’s gotten too painful to let you run about.
The walls are up, strong and withstanding,
to keep out your expectations and your love demanding.

It’s a barricade, no explosion can ever take down,
but at the cost of having my once best-love around.
Still we shout, and Still we rage.
Still we writhe and scream in pain.

We’re broken, trying to love when we’re shattered,
trying to love with a love that’s broken in tatters.
Trying to love with sunken hearts, on sinking ships.
Trying to love with towering walls and lying lips.

We’re empty, we’re lonely, we’re hollow shells,
We’ve abandoned each other, in defense of ourselves.
So batter down the hatches, were gonna stay a while,
And when people ask us, we’ll just muster up a smile.

A relationship made of your sad, broken conditional love,
and my self protecting prophecy I must defend myself from.
I’ve given all of myself, I’ve given everything I have,
For you to do the same for me was my naive plan.

But you only gave in bits and pieces,
And your promises, well they’re all so meaningless.
Is it hopeless? Perhaps. So we remove hope from the equation,
settle for what we have, as we watch love come undone.

But then you came rushing in like the wind unknown.
So close as you melted my heart cold as stone.
And you told me that I don’t have to try so desperately,
Try to get a morsel of his love, because your giving it freely!

You showed me, love is beautiful and exactly what I need,
because it is always given freely to those who are in need.
I don’t have to beg, I don’t have to pull love or take it,
I don’t have to perform or earn it, without any mistakes.

Love is free for the taking,
this love is healing in the making,
This love that gives me the hope of life,
and restores the light behind my eyes.

But can it be so easy?
I fear you wont be there when I’m needy.
Or that you’ll withhold and take way,
And pull the rug out from underneath me.

Are you faithful? Are you always true?
Will you turn away, if I shut down and run from you?
Will you stay here? always offering your hand?
Or will you turn away for any reason to leave me abandoned?

Can I trust you? And will you always remain?
Because I’m tired of trusting in love that leaves, when I’m shamed.
I’m afraid, to let anyone in, including your presence.
Is there hope? Is your love as heavy as his?

You say you love me? But I still don’t know why.
I’ll never understand it, but I’m grateful all the while.
Are you still near? Are you near God?
Can you piece back together my soul and help me move on?

While I’m stuck here, sunken in and buried,
The quicksand came and destroyed the house I was building.
Can I lose your love? I guess that’s really what I’m wondering.
Can I lose it, by being unfaithful, by failing or running and hiding?

Can I lose your love, like I’ve lost his?
Because at the end of the day, the truth of it is..
I’d rather be alone, than live in fear of losing love.
I can no longer bare the pain of love lost and undone.

Is your love truly steadfast, like they all say?
Is it true, dependable and forever unconditional in every way?
It sounds too good to be true.
But I cling tightly to the hope that it is.

…… And with the dawn comes the warmth of knowing that your love really & truly is that good.

Navigating Topsy-Turvy Relationships

Helping those who won’t help themselves

May 28, 2017 Wonder in Wanderland Leave a comment

Some of you might feel like you are enlightened…

Like you know alot about life, and you’re probably right.

Perhaps you’re really observant and discerning so you watch people struggle or make problems and think, “if only they knew ______ they would be better off.”

Or maybe you think “they could fix there problems, if they only knew this particular thing, that I’ve had to learn the hard way!”You think that you could save them this whole struggle, if you could just teach them what you learned when you went through the very same thing!

So maybe you decide to go tell them exactly what they can do to fix things, or how they can see things clearly and make better choices. So you give them your best advice, knowing that it is valuable and helpful.

After all, hindsight is 20/20, you can look back on what you have learned and share it with others so they don’t make the same mistakes you did. So awesome right!?

So you give your advice thinking you’ve helped them. Maybe it’s someone close to you, you tell them how to make things better but they don’t listen, so you keep trying to help them, trying to teach them, trying to encourage them… you go round and round in circles trying to solve their problems for them (since you have a good head on your shoulders you might as well help, right?) Wrong.

Because eventually (after trying your hardest and expending all your energy and resources) you will discover that you’re getting nowhere. That you’re not actually helping anyone!

You can’t force someone to learn, to grow or improve. They have to want it. And sadly most people in the world don’t want someone to tell them what will work better (even if it will). Because they are going to do, what they are gonna do regardless of what you recommend, or want from them.
So wait to be asked, wait until someone genuinely wants help.

And keep in mind that even when someone asks for help or advice, more often then not, they just want you to affirm what they already plan on doing.

It’s REALLY hard to keep your mouth shut when you know things that can help others. It’s hard not to stop some one, when you know they are about to veer off course into a terrible head on collision.

But if they don’t want it. They will not hear it, and you’ll only exhaust yourself with the effort.

You have to let people make their own mistakes. Even though you can save them, they have to muddle through there own mess until they decide its worth it to try a different way!

For some that may take a lifetime, and it may be incredibly painful for you to stay involved and watch them sort through it all. Which is why, sometimes its OK to take a step away from that relationship, so they don’t drag you down with them.

No matter how many times you try to beat good sense into someone’s head, it’s not going to stick.

There have been so many times I fell for the line, “I want to be better, just teach me how, tell me and show me what to do.”

Only to find that this person completely disregarded every bit of advice I’d offered. Because they only wanted the appearance of change, but never made any effort to follow through!

Sometimes people will burst into tears, and beg you to help them. Only to turn around and keep doing the same self destructive and hurtful things. They fall back into the same cycles of dysfunction that they always default to. But why? The tears seemed so genuine and they truly seemed like they wanted to be better!

What most people don’t realize is that they weren’t really crying tears of regret, they just wanted to change the topic from you giving them your hard-won advice, to you comforting them and feeling sorry for them. They had no intention of changing, they just want you to sympathize with them, so that you can learn to be OK with how they act. (Some might refer to this as gas-lighting & brain washing.)

Eventually you start to understand where they’re coming from, so you lower your standards. Suddenly you begin to sympathize with why they act the way they do, and why they treat you the way they do. You begin to accept (or minimize) the bad behavior and stop expecting that you be treated well. Little by little, you justify and explain away their poor choices as your self respect, self esteem and self confidence gradually diminish.

Every once in a while (when they cross a line) they’ll put on such a great act of contriteness and sorrow, that you’ll believe it! Because you want to believe it, because you want to think that you are helping them, grow, change and mature.

But you’re not, you’re just falling for an elaborate and age-old act.

Don’t fall for it!

Don’t be so blinded by what you want people to be, that you start seeing what isn’t even there!

Don’t be so blinded that you can’t see the performance that’s right in front of you.

And don’t cast your pearls of wisdom before swine.

Don’t try to help someone who doesn’t want help. You will end up wearing yourself raw, spending all you’re energy trying to change/help someone who doesn’t want to change. And they probably won’t ever change, because they’ve got YOU in their life, always nearby to fix things, and pick up the broken pieces. So that their life can continue, without them ever having to grow up or mature and be responsible for their own mistakes.

After all, why would they want to change? They’ve got you nearby to rescue them, and all they have to do is pretend like they want to be better, so you’ll stick around desperately trying to save/help them. Because you see the potential for good… But remember if they DO NOT want to change (which means they’re willing to work hard and make sacrifices and stop putting themselves first) then you are wasting your time. They have to WANT it so desperately, that they will pursue it, with or without you there to help.