From the beginning I am against this.

Your haughty suggestion sears through me and my instincts shout no.

My imprisoned mind thunders with rage, that I’m expected to meet your expectations.

But no one  told me that what I feel has value, so I ignore my soul.

The ground drops from beneath me and i’m hollowed out.

I must swallow it down, swallow it all down.

I embrace the sickeningly familiar resignation that swoops in.

Hiding a desperate cry for help in my  smile, I give what you want.

My obligation must be paid, and debt fulfilled. Isn’t this how it works?

When it’s over my insides twist in nausea, horrified at what I’ve done.

I have turned against myself. Disgusted by you, disgusted by me.

Heavy self disapproval looms, suffocating in shades of black.

World-ending shame sears through my insides with a ferocious strength.

As self reproach shreds my heart with a million screaming arrows.

I’m left empty and full of self hatred, sinking down a dark hole.

I hide out of sight, fearful of social interaction and tired of being trampled.

Wanting to be anyone but me, unable to escape my own powerlessness.

I’m not responsible for your fraying ego and splintering bones,

 I won’t whisper soothing words of flattery and prose.

Don’t make me responsible, to make up for what you lack,

Stop thrusting your needs at my feet, for me to piggyback.

I don’t want it, this swirling crescendo of your self hate,

Don’t make me responsible to hold your tattered heart in place.

I don’t want the weight of your fractured soul in my palm,

Don’t make me responsible, I’m not your miracle healing balm.

I won’t cradle the insecurities of your raging, sporadic mind,

I’ll carry no torches for you, your burdens I can’t abide.

Don’t make me responsible to cater to your wildfire offenses,

I won’t weigh myself down, with your expected pretenses.

Don’t make me apologize for existing on my own terms,

I refuse to carry the inferno of your dwindling self worth.

You proclaim wholeness, but your fragility is out on your sleeve,

You’re a hurricane of emotions, but think your thick-skin deceives.

It’s not my job to comfort your withering self perception,

I will not play your fictitious game of delusion and deception.

Your chasing a phantom, that will only trap you in its longing,

Your duplicity fools most, but I won’t be caught in your tsunami.

Your jagged edges and wretched mind, cant seem to grasp the light,

But don’t make me responsible for something

you can’t hold inside.

Writing doesn’t have to look like writing papers or doing homework, writing can be fun and stress relieving in a way that helps us unleash our creativity or structure our thoughts. And according to psychologists, writing can actually be very therapeutic, bring mental clarity, emotional stability, boost your immune system, reduce stress and help heal trauma.

In fact, one study discovered beneficial “health‐related effects of creative and expressive writing.” They even found evidence of a strong link between poetry and a better immune system. This particular study revolved around creative and expressive writing which resulted in “a good range of physiological and behavioral benefits.” Some examples of what their research uncovered  “include improvements in health and well‐being and enhanced levels of host defenses in immune system functioning. Other notable findings include reduced severity of symptoms in arthritis and asthma sufferers.” (Lowe, 2006)

So why not set aside some time to write? It’s a great way to relieve stress and is a great tool for practicing good self-care. You can journal about your day, you can write poetry to express your feelings, or you can focus on creative writing. Or if you’re like me and you sit down in front of a blank piece of paper and don’t know where to go from there, then try turning on some instrumental or inspiring music and free write, letting the music move and guide you. Either way, which ever type of writing you feel drawn towards, set aside some time where you won”t be interrupted and just let the words come out. And if you find that you’re still stumped, start by answering this question:

Why do you write?

Here’s what I wrote when in response to that question, my hope is that it inspires you to begin writing.

Why Write

I write to express what my mouth cannot say.

I write to envision a universe my eyes do not see.

I write to discover the extraordinary, my soul has yet to find.

I write to create what has yet to exist, in a world full of limitations.

I write to escape the prying eyes, so I can let loose my tongue.

I write to give birth to my wonderings and what ifs.

I write to expose the lies taught, the illogical presumptions of society.

I write to unfold the revelations my mind cannot contain.

I write because I live,

because I dream,

because I wonder,

because I exist.

I write because, I’m me. And that is enough.

Broken… broken… broken,

What do we do when our hearts are broken?
How do we mourn?
How do we heal?                                                                                                                  Does anyone really truly know?

They say time heals all wounds..
That my dear, is a lie.
Time does nothing but dull the ache and numb the sensations..

But time does NOT heal.
Time may seal all wounds, and in it’s wake  leave a fragile angry scar,
but it does not heal all wounds.

Pain… Pain… pain, so much pain I have endured.
I am drowning in sorrows, I am drowning in silence. I’ve closed my eyes, blot it out. Shut it out.

How can I look at you?

Betrayal… betrayal… betrayal, everywhere. It’s everywhere I go, It’s all around me.
Heart breaks a little, with each betrayal. I am surrounded by vultures,  by wolves who seek to devour. To leave me for dead.

Who was I before them? How did I get here?                                                     How was my heart so innocently trusting?
Who was I before betrayal, and who am I now?                                         And why does my traitorous heart continue to love?

Freedom… freedom… freedom, my heart leaps at the word freedom! I may have settled, I may have resigned, but I still hear Freedom’s sweet refrain calling my name.
It is my dearest escape,

it is a beacon of hope, the only thing left I can cling to, my mantra.

It is my saving grace.

How can you think I wanted this?

Didn’t you know this was coming?

Haven’t you heard my many warnings over time?

Haven’t you seen the red flags along the way?

How could you believe it would end in any other way?

Don’t you know it breaks my heart to say goodbye?

This isn’t what I wanted.

Don’t you know that I still love you?

I shouldn’t have to convince you that I’m not trying to ruin your life.

I thought you knew me better than that.

Don’t you know it crushes me to let you down?

It’s like ripping my soul in two.

Don’t you know how much you’ve become a part of me?

It tears at all my seams, to be separated from you.

All the stiches, all the molding, all the growing; with time our souls fused into one.

And must now be ripped in two.

Now we are two bleeding halves, blood and guts spilled out on the floor.

Don’t you know my heart weeps for what could have been?

I’m devastated, but I’m angry too.

If you could have gotten your act together, I would have stayed.

Don’t you know, I never in a million years wanted this?

But it’s not healthy for me to stay by your side, so I must rip my life in two.

Don’t you know, I wanted to stay with you till death do us part?

But you don’t know.

…… or it would never have come to this.

You only see you.

You only  feel, your pain, your fears, your sorrows…. you never feel mine.

You do not know empathy, you do not know me.

Which is why it breaks my heart to do it this way.

But your heart is far from me, and it grows colder still.

So it must be done.

There is a storm coming.

Is it the only way?

Today is the day.

Today is the day that I break.

….and break and break  and break,

into a million peices, until the world ends.

My world ends.

Today is the day.

The day that I’m liberated.

….I’m free, I’m free, completely free,

until the world ends.

And I rejoice!

Today is the day.

Today is the day, I let my dreams die.

Today is the day that my hope  burns to the ground.

Today is the day I give up your ghost.

And out of those ashes, renewed  life will spring anew.

They say death comes but once.

But this too is false, for death comes in many ways,

and can come many times.

Yes, my dear, death comes in many forms.

Some death comes in the blink of an eye.

Some death poisons slowly, festering & rotting as times slinks by.

Some death is infinitely sneaky, catching us by surprise.

But some death,

our death, is only apparent, when it has passed us by.

This death, our death,  is the death of our relationship.

How can you tell it’s dead? When it’s empty.  Empty and hopeless.

When the stench reeks of decay and excrement.

When it stings with hardheartedness and jagged edges.

When the taste of it as bitter and sour as the bile in your throat,

When the sound of your own heart dying has decimated your hope.

When all you can see is the pain of the past and a future that’s ice cold.

When your love becomes a burden so weary, it weighs heavy and crushes your soul.

That is how you know that death  has settled in. That your death, my death, the death of our relationship is here to stay.

So in the end it comes to this….

Stay in a dead, but comfortable relationship,

Or say our final goodbye’s and face the unknown?

I have made my choice.

It is the only one I can live with.

“Doubt thou the stars are fire, Doubt that the sun doth move, Doubt truth to be a liar, But never doubt I love.”

Never doubt that I love you.

But my darling, this love is not enough.

It’s not enough to love your laugh, or your mischievous smile,

It’s not enough to love when you hold me in your arms for a while.

It’s not enough to love your sense of humor and  how you make me laugh a lot,

It’s not enough to love how you finish my sentences and echo my thoughts.

It’s not enough to love our shared history and dreams of our future plans,

It’s not enough to love who you once were and  I always wished you  would be again.

It’s not enough to love the easiness of comfort and companionship,

It’ not enough to love your charm, your wit and your cleverness.

It’s not enough to share private jokes and adore your charming manner,

It’s not enough to love you like a mother loves her son or daughter.

A marriage needs more.  And there is more, somehow, somewhere, there is more.

Marital love needs trust first and foremost, and you’ve proven over and over that you can be trusted by none.

Marital love demands maturity, someone who can take responsibility for their mistakes and learn from them.

Marital love requires that we both grow up, because as we grow, our lives (and future children) greatly depend on each other.

Marital love takes self control, that doesn’t blame, or lash out in violence to cause others pain.

Marital love doesn’t seek to control, manipulate and isolate just to foster dependency, so that they never have to be alone.

Marital love must be willing to sacrifice their own needs and fears,  and even change for the one they love.

  I know that I too,  have so much to learn. And still, I choose to go. I leave, knowing there’s a chance that I may never find this kind of  dependable love in a person.  But It’s a risk I am willing to take.