All posts by Wonder in Wanderland

Wonder in Wanderland
Life Skills For Littles

Calming an Upset Child

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If you have, or work with children 2 or older, you are well acquainted with the seemingly impossible task of attempting to calm down an emotionally overwhelmed and upset child. While using distractions to de-escalate children can work wonders, it doesn’t empower children to manage their own emotions, rather it can potentially cause the child to suppress their emotions, or believe that you are afraid of their feelings. So in order to teach little kids how to navigate strong and overwhelming feelings, begin by modeling and teaching these two tools to bring their bodies back into a state of calm.

Deep Breathing and Grounding

There are two really great tools to help a child learn to self-regulate themselves when they are hyperaroused, by encouraging them to attune to their body and re-establish felt safety. In order to escalate your child, I strongly encourage you to practice these techniques with your child while they are calm, before attempting to teach them to do these things mid-meltdown.

First let’s talk about Grounding, one of the simplest ways to have your child ground themself is to have them push their feet against the ground and practice feeling their feet on the ground. Or even better, have them step outside barefoot and do it. Basically, you are encouraging the child to reconnect to their body, there are many ways to do this, such as handing the child an object and have them focus on describing its details, such as color, shape, weight, texture and so on. Another way is to have the child practice tensing and then relaxing their muscles.

You can do this by having them follow along to this video and practice freezing and melting their muscles. You can do this with kids as young as 2 and most kids find it very relaxing.

Another great grounding activity to help kids of all ages is to teach them to engage their five senses. To do this have your child watch this video and follow along. If the child is really young, just have them list one thing for each of the five senses.

Another calming and grounding activity little kids and toddlers can use when they are worried or very emotional are butterfly hugs.

If you want to learn more about grounding, this brief video explains what grounding is, and gives a simple activity a young child can do when there overwhelmed with emotions.

Deep Breathing

Make sure you teach your kids how to take proper deep breaths during grounding activities. Try this video to help your child breathe and self-regulate. Remember to practice while they are calm so they can get the hang of it.

Or you can have them try Rainbow Breathing as well. 

Photo Credit: Pexels.com

Life Skills For Littles

Calming Activities for Littles

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When you have little kids it can feel like pulling teeth to get them to settle down, so here are some links to videos that I use to calm my clients who are under 6, and I recommend them to their families to use at home as well!

Calming Techniques:

These two videos are really great and have some great tips for using deep pressure to calm the physical body, to use throughout the day or before bedtime and/or naptime. These techniques can also work well for children who have sensory processing issues or are autistic.

However, if a child is hyper or excited it is important that they have a good outlet for their energy and that they do something physical before you ask them to calm down or pay attention.

To do this I recommend these two videos:

This video is a fun one for kids who need to get their wiggles out, and you can put it on the TV or your phone when you’re on the go and the child can dance to it.

The second one is a great video for toddlers and up, they can practice getting their wiggles out and then can transition to calm.

Or if you would prefer not to use a screen, you can just have your child do jumping jacks, jog in place, or jump rope. Or better yet, pick the child up and spin around several times, this will satisfy both the need for physical touch and for exciting movement. Any sort of physical activity that has the child use most of their muscles, will also satisfy their need for stimulation. Then once you have done that, that’s when you can focus on the next step, calming the child.

CALMING MUSIC:

Calming Music can work wonder, especially if they are having a tantrum or are hyper, both of these videos can help regulate the nervous system and will help them feel calm and centered once again. Try playing the songs from this album and have them dance or drum along. 

This is a youtube channel for calming sensory music that the child can both watch and listen to, and are great for helping their little bodied relax. It’s also great for older kids as well!

You can also just play relaxing piano music, or Enya, George Winston, Yanni, Paul Speer, and Ray Lynch as long as the tempo is not too fast. Or just look up ocean waves on youtube and play that while having the child take deep cleansing breaths.

There is also a free app that you can have the child use to create their own mix of relaxing sounds, its called 

Relax Melodies app

Also, another way to engage little kids in a calming and not overstimulating screen activity is to use the calming glitter video. Kids can watch this video while in the car or while in waiting rooms etc. 

Some kids like this video, and some don’t, so if your child is not interested, and you think they’d prefer something more tactile, you can make your own glitter jar as a fun activity. The child can then take it with them when they go places and it can be very soothing for them to shake it and watch the glitter move. You don’t have to, but it is best to use the glitter jar for travel, or car rides only, so that the novel doesn’t wear off. Or some people give this to their child when the child needs a time out or a break, as a way to help them quietly self-soothe and regulate themselves.

Photo Credit to Mariam Antadze from Pexels

Self-love Leads to Advocacy

Advocacy From a Place of Wholeness

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You probably know or know of someone who is an advocate.

Advocating is all the rage these days, everywhere you look it seems like people are raising their voices on social media platforms to advocate for something or someone. Both individuals and companies all seem to be shouting loudly to get your attention about certain causes and it can often be confusing, overwhelming, and in some cases can come off as attention seeking, rather than based on a desire to actually promote real change.

But what is an advocate and what does advocacy looks like?

According to dictionary.com an Advocate is someone who speaks or writes in favor of a particular group or person, who spreads support or urge by arguing on their behalf, often (but not always) publicly.

And according to Wikipedia, Advocacy “aims to influence decisions within political, economic, and social institutions. Advocacy includes activities and publications to influence public policy, laws and budgets by using facts, their relationships, the media, and messaging to educate government officials and the public.”

In the realm of social services, education, and the health field, professionals are often expected to be advocating for the oppressed in some way. But in the last several years it’s not just professionals who are taking a stand, but seemingly anyone and everyone with access to social media.

While there is currently a lot of debate on whether or not digital advocacy on social media makes an actual difference in US policy, we do know that social media campaigns can highlight issues by bringing it to the forefront of societies consciousness and by raising awareness and educating social media users. An example of this is the MeToo movement.

But before rushing to jump on the next trend of advocating for a hot-ticket item, ask yourself… can you empower others if you are not first empowering yourself?

And are you a self-advocate who is supporting your own inner voice?

According to the self-help website, selfadvocatenet.com, self-advocacy is when you first empower yourself by becoming a whole, powerful person that is a able to speak-up for yourself and your needs. It means you know the rights you are entitled to and take responsibility by making proactive choices and decisions to better yourself and your life. It means you first learn self-advocacy skills and learn to listen to your inner voice and your instincts so you can make decisions that you feel good about.

Building self-confidence and not making decisions to please others will help you assert yourself and, as they say, live your best life. Also pursuing healing from trauma, and changing your mindset to that of positivity will put you on a path towards wholeness so that you can be the best version of yourself. Because sometimes the best way to help someone who is struggling, is to first help yourself and demonstrate healthy methods of change. In other-words, being a living example of what it looks like to be whole and empowered can lead others to wholeness and empowerment in your wake. You can create a culture of wholeness and empowerment that helps aid those who are less fortunate than you. And you can share your own experiences and talk about the hard battles you’ve won, that led you to empowerment so that others can follow in your footsteps.

You can’t save someone who is drowning, when you’re drowning yourself. Likewise you can’t advocate and empower others when you are not empowered yourself, or else your actions will fall short of making actual change, and people may end up viewing you as a hypocrite.

That’s not to say that you have to wait until you are a perfectly healthy and whole person, before you can aide others, just that it’s best to lead by example. Advocating for an issue that you have experience in will ring truer and reach more people, than it would if you’ve have no personal stake in the matter.

This can be accomplished in two ways, by ensuring that your activism doesn’t solely exist on social media and by learning to first self-advocate and empower yourself.

You can become an advocate by being a real-life activist, volunteer your time to aide the cause or get educated on the topic through trusted, unbiased resources rather than just the news and social media. Join a local or online group to stay informed, and most importantly open yourself up to hear both sides of the issues rather than living in an echo chamber that simply reinforces your point of view.

Secondly and most importantly, develop skills that help you self-advocate and empower yourself. You can do this by giving yourself a voice. So find people that you trust and start sharing out loud what you think and feel. Start speaking up for the things you believe in, rather than keeping quiet so as to not make waves. Take responsibility for the decisions you’ve made in your life and understand what is and isn’t in your control. Look at yourself without contempt or unrealistic expectations and attempt to better yourself. Be compassionate with yourself as you strive to be the best you possible.

And if you are not experiencing the freedom to take control of your life, ask yourself what needs to change and who you need to get away from, so that you have the freedom to be in control of your own life. Give yourself authority to be the expert on your life; only you have to live with the decisions you make, so make sure you are the one making them in your own self-benefit. The more you assert your independence, the more confident you will feel, and even if the choices you make end up being the wrong ones, instead of beating yourself up, see it as a learning curve. Take responsibility for your actions and try again as you work towards your goals. And lastly, remember that no one is an island, and that the most empowered people have a strong support system. This doesn’t mean that you let the people around you make decisions for you, or influence your decisions, but rather that you gather people around you who support you no matter what and cheer you on as you continue on your journey towards becoming a powerful person, who can in turn empower others.

photo credit: Pexels.com

Finding Well-being From Trauma

My Experience With Miscarriage

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I wasn’t very far along when I miscarried. It was only my 7th week of pregnancy when I first started bleeding. I remember the moment very clearly, I was in my political science class at U.C. Davis when I first noticed the blood, and immediately my heart sank. Deep down, I knew I was losing the baby, but I didn’t want to admit it to myself. I left class early and once I reached my car, I began to weep uncontrollably. I even went to Inn & Out and bought my favorite cheesy fries, because I saw no reason to continue eating healthy, since I was no longer pregnant. And I bitterly cried into the fries as I ate them, completely devastated and heartbroken. 

Afterwards, I pulled myself together by wiping my tears and telling myself not to believe the worst. I decided not to tell anyone, not even my husband, because I didn’t want to jinx it. After all, I rationalized, it was only a tiny bit of blood and that didn’t necessarily mean that I’d lost the baby. So I assumed it was a false alarm. I did my best to convince myself that I wasn’t having a miscarriage and went back to eating healthy and avoiding fried food. But over the next few days I continued to lightly bleed and my hopeful resolve began to wear thin. After a few days of telling myself I was fine and frantically searching the web for answers, I finally told my husband what was going on and he pushed me to see a doctor. 

So I went to the Emergency Room, praying desperately that everything was okay the whole drive there. Begging God to make sure that my baby was still alive and well, but fearful of the worst. You see, for the last two years I’ve had what I can only describe as a deep, painful ache to have children. To start a family with my husband and become a mother. I’d always known I would have a family, but had never put much thought into it… that is until two years ago. Suddenly children were all I could think about. Almost daily, I would cry to God that I desperately wanted a family, along with a home to raise them in. 

But we were still living in an apartment and I was still in college, determined to graduate with my Bachelors rather than dropping out. My goal was to be able to get a good job so that I could afford to give my kids an even better life than I’d had growing up. And so after two years of what felt like an eternity, my self-appointed perfect timing finally arrived. I was only a few months away from graduating college, so being the planner that I am, we decided to start trying. Surprisingly, we got pregnant right away and it felt like my biggest prayer was finally answered. After confirming it with the doctor, I spent most of the time that should have been spent on homework, building a baby registry, dreaming about the future and researching baby names.

 I was so certain I would have a baby girl, and at one point even prayed for twins. What’s better than one adorable baby girl, I thought to myself, why, two of course! I was over the moon with joy, babies were all I could think about, would it be a girl, a boy? I wondered, what would he or she be like? 

Those first two months felt like I was walking on sunshine. And while I experienced plenty of morning sickness, that wasn’t the only change in my body. My entire being felt different, for the first time in my life I felt I had a clear purpose. I felt honored to be carrying new life inside me, and for the first time I began to treat my body like a temple. I stopped eating junk food, ate healthy and it was surprisingly easy, because it was all for the baby. I wanted my baby to have the best and I felt honored to finally have a child in my womb. 

I felt, as cliche as this sounds, whole. It was as if my existence finally had meaning. And while as a christian I believe my life is significant, this was the first time I had finally felt it in my heart. I was so happy to be holding a miracle in my womb that I didn’t even mind the infamous morning sickness and many food aversions I was experiencing.

But the day I walked into the Emergency Room, my nails were digging into my palms, my heart was in my throat and all my hopes were clinging to a desperate, silent prayer. I was terrified as I begged God to make sure the baby was alive. As soon as I told the lady at the front desk what was happening she gave me her full attention and immediately began to process me so that I could be seen right away. After filling out a few forms, I was then shuffled into a room with a perky ultrasound technician. I was relieved to be made a top priority, but my relief quickly turned to anxiety, when the technician told me she wasn’t allowed to disclose what she saw on the monitor. 

Then I had my blood drawn and the medical assistant told me that I needed to come back the next day so they could run the same tests. They told me that they needed to compare my blood samples so that they could see if my HCG levels were going up or down. If they were going down it would mean that I was indeed in the midst of a miscarriage, if not then it meant I was still pregnant. The next day I rushed to the ER as soon as I woke up, and this time after they drew my blood and did a second ultrasound, they put me in a small room to wait for a Doctor to explain the results. I continued to fervently pray that my baby was still alive as I waited. 

Finally, an older man with a kind demeanor came in and sat across from me. He introduced himself as the head doctor, his expression full of compassion as he gently explained that the fetus was gone and that I was no longer pregnant. Immediately, my heart sunk into what felt like a bottomless void and I had to clamp my mouth shut, in order to keep from crying. “It’s not your fault,” he cautioned. “This happens to about 75% of women on their first try, it’s just not something that people talk about, so most women don’t realize how incredibly common it is.” He gently reassured me that it wasn’t caused by anything I did, and suggested that it could be because my body detected something was wrong and aborted it. He explained that I would have a lot more bleeding and severe cramping for a week, and that I should watch for a tiny (empty) fetal sac to be passed. And he cautioned me that if I don’t see it, I may need a D&C procedure to remove it. He then prescribed me a painkiller and sent me on my way.

I walked out of the hospital in a stunned daze, as if the floor had been pulled out from beneath me. I drove home in shock and just sat at the counter staring stupidly, totally crushed and bewildered. My 8 months pregnant roommate came out to ask how the ER visit went, but before I could even answer, I burst into tears. She held me gently as my heart burst into a million shattered pieces. I could hardly breathe, as I tried to push back the waves of gut wrenching grief that threatened to drown me. It took all my strength to not feel jealous that her womb was full and mine was suddenly empty. 

I called my husband, who was on his way home and mournfully gave him the news, he was absolutely crushed. The following week was far more difficult than I’d ever imagined. Even with my husband waiting on me hand and foot and trying to cheer me up, things only got worse. The cramping I’d been experiencing went from mild to extremely unbearable, as I bled more heavily. I spent the week in bed sleeping as much as possible, eager to escape both the physical and emotional pain. 

I felt empty, cold and broken. I was certain I would never feel whole again, it hurt so much that I was beginning to feel dead inside. I cried constantly even as my husband tried to encourage me to eat. And when I finally passed a small sac about the size of a quarter, I knew the pregnancy was officially over. My baby was gone. I was no longer a mother. 

I cried as I disposed of the sac and crawled back into bed, as my world turned grey. And a heavy cloud of depression began to set in as I grieved. It took about a week and a half for my body to recover and stop bleeding. At which point I was supposed to return to school. But I didn’t. Instead, I stopped leaving my room, stopped going to class and every time I thought about it, I’d cry inconsolably. I was so overwhelmed by disappointment that I couldn’t get out of bed. I hadn’t just lost my baby, but I’d lost all the possibilities for the future I’d been dreaming of.

Thankfully, my husband saw that I needed help and came up with a holy spirit inspired plan to help me move forward. He bought some baby balloons and we both wrote short letters to our unborn child. We wrote about our hopes and dreams for the baby, how we felt about losing it and that no matter what, it will always be in our hearts. We expressed regret for never having met her, and reassured her that she will never be forgotten. We even named the baby Carmen, if it was a boy and Carmina if it was a girl. We poured out all our previously unexpressed love for her onto paper, and then we tied them to the balloons.

 After ensuring that it was light enough to float, we drove up to the mountains and set it loose. As we watched the balloons holding our two letters float off into the clear blue sky, we imagined them sailing all the way to heaven. Imagining that our love letters would find its way to our baby. My husband and I cried, and held each other, following the balloon with our car until we could no longer see it. And with that, we took a deep breath and said our goodbyes. Goodbye to our darling baby, and goodbye to what could have been.

Then I had a dream that I was in heaven surrounded by a lush beautiful garden with Jesus in the center. God has often spoken to me through dreams, just as He does in the bible, so even in my sleep, I knew that this was from Him. I watched in awe as Jesus stood in this flower-filled garden as if he was waiting for me, holding a smiling baby girl. Instinctively, I knew that this baby was my unborn daughter and I was overwhelmed with joy knowing that she existed in heaven. In that moment, all my remaining sorrow melted away as a huge weight lifted off me. My aching heart began to swell with happiness, comforted by His peace. Seeing my unborn daughter alive and well in heaven gave me an overwhelming sense of relief, because I knew  that she was in good hands. 

When I woke up, it was as if my whole perspective had shifted. I no longer felt heartbroken over the loss, but instead focused on the vivid dream, hopeful that one glorious day, I would arrive in Heaven and be greeted by my beautiful daughter.

Ultimately, it was being able to say goodbye and experiencing hope in the place of sorrow, that helped me move on. I stopped crying at the drop of the hat, I went back to school and was able to get out from under my cloud of depression and began to feel normal once again. Yes, I had experienced a loss, but I was no longer held captive by its grief. Yes, there was sadness there, but it was no longer dragging me down, instead I felt lighter and hopeful for the future. And everytime I think of my lost baby, my thoughts return to my glorious dream and I once again feel the overwhelming joy and assurance that Jesus is taking good care of her in heaven. After all, who better to raise her than Him?

If you have experienced a miscarriage, I encourage you to find some outlet for your feelings for the lost baby. It can be a love letter or something like a piece of art, or song or even a box of keepsakes. Anything really that allows you to express your feelings for the unborn baby. It doesn’t matter if you were far along in your pregnancy or not, a loss is still a loss and deserves to be mourned.

Also I want to encourage you to get some time alone with Jesus and ask him to show you something that you can hold onto, whatever that looks like. He knows exactly what will change your perspective and replace your mourning with gladness. He can fill your baby-shaped hole with hope and joy, so that when the sorrow and pain return, you have something positive to cling to.

I know that everyone’s journey through grief is different, so this is not meant to be a formula or cure-all. And although I will never forget my first daughter, this story has a happy ending as I am now the mother of a precious 4 month old daughter. In fact, as I write this my rainbow baby is next to me, wiggling and babbling to her heart’s content. My sunshine came about six months after the storm, but I know for others it can often take much longer. 

I hope by reading about my experience, women can be more encouraged and glean from my experience. It is my hope that we can create an honest dialogue about miscarriage and help women to open up about what is considered taboo in most societies. Women should be allowed to express their feelings of loss due to miscarriage without shame.

photo credit: Pexels.com

The Adventure of Adoption and Fostering

From orphanages to foster care: a Brief history

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For anyone who has thought about foster care, it can be enlightening to learn more about the history of what foster care looks like in the USA and what social workers have to do with it. So without further ado, here is a brief history of foster care and their social workers in the US.

While adopting orphaned children is not a new thing, formal adoption in the United States, actually stems all the way back to the 1850’s. (CWIG, 2017) During that time, a law was first passed in Massachusetts which “recognized adoption as a social and legal process based on child welfare rather than adult interests” (CWIG, 2017). This meant that the judges in that state would ensure that adopted children had good placements that were primarily in their best interests. However in most other states, adoption was often done for the parents’ self interest. (TAHP, 2012) Rather than placing children in families that fit their needs, children were placed with parents that wanted a certain look, blonde, or brown-eyed, or were placed because the parents wanted a babysitter or farmhand.

1850 was also the time of Orphan Trains, this program was created by Reverend Charles Loring Brace, in order to relocate “vagrant kids from the streets of New York to the Midwest to start working the land” (NPR, 2013). Reverend Charles is also the founder of the non-profit New York Children’s Aid Society. Now, he used the Orphan Trains to take children from poverty stricken Catholics and transferred them to “Anglo-Protestant farming families in small towns” in order to convert them to protestants (TAHP, 2012). This program was successful in getting children off the streets and giving them a safe place to sleep and putting food in their bellies. They also had the advantage of new parents and a place they belonged, which was more than they had in New York.

However there were distinct disadvantages, as these adopted children were often just used for labor, and were treated as servants. Also, after the children were sent to their new homes in the Midwest there was often no one to check up on them and ensure they were being treated with adequate care. Sadly this means that they may have been abused or mistreated by their new families and that there was no one around to advocate for their best interests and ensure better treatment. (NPR, 2013)

Initially in many states the government was not involved in adoption affairs, and therefore did not regulate it in any way. However, it finally intervened in 1868, when Massachusetts decided to house more children by paying families to let orphans live in their homes. They even sent agents to follow up with the children and see how they were fairing in their new homes, so that they could ensure good quality of care. (TAHP, 2012) Then a few years later, the New York State Charities Aid Association followed suit by creating a child-placement program that eventually led to what we now know as foster care. (TAHP, 2012) A distinct advantage over the orphan trains was that putting children in homes was more regulated and checked up on, so it was less likely for children to slip through the cracks and be trapped in unsafe and unstable homes.

However in New York, the government was not able to house nearly as many children as the orphan trains did. They neither had the manpower nor the funds to help every single orphan and so, in fifty years they only found homes for 3300 children, in contrast to the 250,000 children the orphan trains housed over the span of seventy years. (TAHP, 2012) This spurred a need for policy change and for more funding from the government.

The services provided to children without a safe home have changed drastically over time as funding has increased. In 1912 the Children’s Bureau was created by the US government and they began to work on monitoring foster placements and setting “minimum standards” for adoption (TAHP, 2012). They also worked hand in hand with the Child Welfare League of America to monitor their process of placing children in foster care and also monitored adoptions. Then in 1921, the Child Welfare League of America  created a “Constitution that defined standard-setting as one of the organization’s core purposes” and so the American Association of Social Workers was founded (TAHP, 2012). This led to the practice of having qualified social workers monitor adoptions, foster placements by setting professional social worker standards, and initially “served as a placement bureau for social workers” (Social Welfare Library, 2011).

In 1955, this organization merged with seven similar organizations that formed the National Association of Social Workers. And this agency is still monitoring social workers today, as they have created the NASW Code of Ethics to specifically ensure that social workers are held to the highest standards and are treating both children and clients with the utmost respect and dignity they deserve. This agency spans the globe and promotes quality assurance by enhancing the professional growth and development of its members, creating and maintaining professional industry standards, and advancing social policies throughout the world. (Social Welfare Library, 2011)

And so this organization monitors the practice of foster care social workers as they work for either governmental, or non governmental agencies to place foster children in beneficial homes for the purposes of either reunification with their birth family/relatives or adoption from approved foster families. Of course there are still flaws in the system, every state has their own process and certification for approving parents who want to become foster parents, and unfortunately not all people who become approved end up being good people. But if you are interested in being a foster parent, don’t let that scare you, there is a huge deficit of good foster parents (or Resource Parents as they are now called in California) and there are hundreds of children still waiting for safe and loving homes.

Sources:

Child Welfare Information Gateway. 2017. History of Adoption Practices in the United States. Washington, DC: U.S.; Department of Health and Human Services, Children’s Bureau. https://www.childwelfare.gov

NPR. 2013. After Tragedy, Young Girl Shipped West On ‘Orphan Train. NPR. https://www.npr.org/transcripts/176920218. 

Social Welfare Library. 2011. National Association Of Social Workers. https://socialwelfare.library.vcu.edu/organizations/National-Association-of-Social-Workers/

The Adoption History Project. 2012. Timeline of Adoption History. Adoption history. Eugene, Oregon. Department of History, University of Oregon. https://darkwing.uoregon.edu/~adoption/timeline.html

Photo Credit: The Sioux City Journal

https://siouxcityjournal.com/weekender/shot-in-the-dark-s-orphan-train-offers-glimpse-into/article_49a10bd4-30d4-5d78-adef-a0d530d82c79.html

Self-love Leads to Advocacy

Women Pressured into Abortion

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Abortion is a complex, polarizing topic that many are passionate about and while most are either adamantly prolife or prochoice, I believe there is a forgoten middle ground that most sides can agree upon; that no woman should ever feel forced into an abortion. While pro-lifers believe that all life is sacred, pro-choicers believe that it’s the woman’s decision and that women should have free-will to make their own choice. And while both sides deserve to be heard, that is not the topic of this letter. Rather, the issue here resides in the place where both sides overlap, that there may be women who are having abortions due to difficult temporary circumstances that cause them to feel pressured, as though abortion is there only option. And while abortion is an option in California for up to 24 weeks, some studies suggest that remedying womens difficult circumstances and alleviating their financial burdens could potentially make them less likely to abort. In fact, one study found that “only 42% of aborting women described their pregnancies as unwanted” (AfterAbortion.org).  This suggests that the mothers on some level wanted their babies, but chose to abort them based on other deciding factors. If this is true then more emphasis should be put onto finding out why these women aborted and what could have been done to support them.

According to a study from 2005, 73% of women reported not having adequate finances as the main cause of their abortion. (Finer et al, 2020) While that number has been challenged over the years, not being able to afford a child is still one of the main causes of abortion. Similarly, the study also discovered that 74% of women terminated pregnancies because, “having a child would interfere with (their) education, work or ability to care for dependents” (Finer et al, 2020 p. 115). Also, an important note is that for women under the poverty line, this percentage was actually much higher, at 81%. (Finer et al, 2020)  So if women are undergoing abortions becuse they are struggling financially, this begs the question, did they feel as though they had no other choice but to terminate, due to their financial instability? And if that’s true would they have wanted the abortion if they’d had the financial means to raise the child? And if they’d received adequate childcare so that it wouldn’t interfere with school or work schedule, would they have chosen to carry to term? Certainly more studies are needed on the topic, but suffice to say, both prolifers and prochoicers should be able to agree that no woman should ever feel forced into an abortion, simply due to financial strain. A woman should be given access to support both financially and medically, so that she can make her own decisions free of outside opinions and stressors. 

While some states offers free and low cost abortions for women, it varies state to state, with some states like Texas banning it after 6 weeks. And similarly, there are no comprehensive national programs that targets poverty stricken women who would prefer not to terminate, were they to become financially stable. While California offers medical coverage, subsidized childcare and other benefit programs for pregnant women, not many states offer the same, and governmental welfare only goes so far. Fortunately, organizations such as Let Them Live are attempting to solve this problem by fundraising money for pregnant women with unstable finances, so that they can afford to continue their pregnancy. While the founder is pro-life, she runs her non-profit with compasion by advocating for women who feel as though abortion is their only choice. If a pregnant woman contacts them and is having doubts about termination and wishes she could afford to keep the baby, then Let Them Live offers free counseling and other support while they fundraise on their behalf. They don’t try to force their beliefs on anyone, but rather aid pregnant women who feel alone, as though they have no other options aside from abortion. They do this by fundraising several thousand dollars for each woman, with the funds allocated for necessities such as housing, utilities, groceries, transportation, financial counseling, prenatal care, car payments and other medical expenses. (Let Them Live) Similarly, if the woman is concerned about maintaining her job or continuing her education, the non-profit organization also fundraises money for childcare so that the mother can keep working afterwards. For example, a recent mother who’s also a college student has been given 27,000 dollars to help her with housing and future daycare expenses. (Let Them Live) This organization takes a holistic approach that looks at improving individuals lives by improving their economic, social and environmental circumstances. They do this by connecting women to counselors and support groups that will support them on their pregnancy journey. And they even send them baby gifts to help offset the cost of baby supplies. The company also connects women to other like-minded organizations that provide social services to pregnant women, and points them to governmental resources such as TANF and WIC. 

To date their are conflicting survey results about whether women regret their abortions or not, one study declares women 95% of women do not regret their abortions. (Jenkins, 2015) While another study said that 77% did regret it. (Rafferty & Longbons, 2021) Still, some studies even suggest increased risk of mental illness and sucide among women who aborted, and reported that suicide was a much higher risk for women who terminated than those who carried the baby to term. (Source Media Online, 2015) These numbers may seem both alarming and confusing, but it is important remember that abortion involves real life women, and that these statistics represent real individuals who may feel and experience similar situations differently. Some women do not regret their abortions, and actively speak out about normalizing aboirtion, but in contrast some women do regret it, with some even becoming advocates for the unborn.

 If some women are experiencing mental illness in the aftermath of abortion we can surmise that as the previous study suggests, it may be linked to the woman feeling overwhelmed by being financial unprepared, and/or too busy with work or school. However, these problems are mostly temporary and can be remedied easily by a nationwide policy that offers comprehensive supportive services for pregnant women. Until more research is done we may never know with 100% certainty, but we can assume that for some of these women, had their financial burdens been eliminated and had they had access to a positive support system, they might have felt empowered to choose differently, and make a choice that they would not come to regret.

So rather than focusing on who is more right, the prolife or prochoice movement, let’s look to organizations such as Let Them Live and attempt to bridge the gap for women who want to keep their baby, but feel forced into abortion due to finacial instabilities or other difficult circumstances. You can do this by fundraising for organizations like these, where the money directly benefits a prospective mother. Or you can use your own social media platform to put pressure on local government agencies, by raising your voices until a new policy is put in place that financially, emotionally and mentally supports any and all women experiencing unplanned pregnancy, so that they in turn can feel empowered enough to make a decision they can stand behind.

Sources:

Jenkins, N. 2015. Hardly any women regret having an abortion, a new study finds. Time. Retrieved November 15, 2021, from https://time.com/3956781/women-abortion-regret-reproductive-health/. 

L. Finer et al Finer. 2020. Reasons U.S. women have abortions: Quantitative and qualitative perspectives. Guttmacher Institute. Retrieved November 13, 2021, from https://www.guttmacher.org/journals/psrh/2005/reasons-us-women-have-abortions-quantitative-and-qualitative-perspectives.

Let Them Live. (n.d.) No mom should have to choose between paying her bills or her baby’s life. Let Them Live. Retrieved November 13, 2021, from https://letthemlive.org/.

Rafferty, Katherine & Longbons, Tessa. 2021. #AbortionChangesYou: A Case Study to Understand the Communicative Tensions in Women’s Medication Abortion Narratives, Health Communication, 36:12, 1485-1494, DOI: 10.1080/10410236.2020.1770507

AfterAbortion.org.Only a minority of abortions are for unwanted pregnancies, new study. 2021. Retrieved November 13, 2021, from https://afterabortion.org/only-a-minority-of-abortions-are-for-unwanted-pregnancies-new-study/. 

Source Media Online. 2015. Queensland health – allied health education and training – effective vs ineffective supervision. YouTube. Retrieved November 11, 2021, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mZfSk4_LPkY

photo credit: Pexels.com

All The Wonder of Self-Care

Chronic Stress

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Nowadays, it’s so easy to get caught up in the week, trying to get everything accomplished, but feeling like there’s never enough time. In the US it’s common to stay so busy, either with work, raising a family, school or other activities that we forget to stop and carve out time just for ourselves. We forget to make our peace a priority and we forget how important stress-reducing activities are for good self-care. Perhaps taking time for yourself sounds selfish, or maybe you’re not sure how exactly to gauge if you need to take time for yourself. But rest assured, setting aside time for yourself, is not selfish and will actually improve your relationships with others and can help you be more productive. Sometimes we just need to slow down our lifestyle and allow ourselves a period of stillness, where we can just be, without any pressures or expectations bearing down on us.

However, for some people, it’s not as simple as that, because some people don’t even realize they are living with Chronic Stress. If you don’t know what Chronic Stress is or if it’s affecting you, try asking yourself the following questions:

Do you spend all your time taking care of others and never have a moment alone? Do you spend the majority of your time working? Do you feel like you have to be doing something all the time as if you must be productive? Do you spend a lot of your time worrying about work, the future or others? Or do you experience anxiety and stress even when you’re not doing anything? Does it feel like you have been experiencing one distressing setback after another? Have you been sick a lot or mentally struggling for a significant amount of time? Or perhaps you are struggling with PTSD or have recently experienced a traumatic event that you can’t seem to get past?

Then chances are, you are living with Chronic Stress. Chronic stress happens when you experience stressful situations, circumstances or thought patterns that have continued for a long period of time. Sometimes people get so used to living under stress, it becomes their new normal, even when the original source of stress is gone. In fact according to basicmedicalkey.com, a great database full of up-to-date medical knowledge, “constant exposure to stressors tends to synthesize the individual to the situation… The low level of stress may become a way of life and negatively impact the health of the individual.”

Now, experiencing occasional stress is not a bad thing in itself, some people even thrive under pressure. And small amounts of stress can also “provide stimulation and intellectual challenge,” so not all stress is bad. But when stress is prolonged, it can turn into Chronic Stress which can eventually lead to paranoia, anxiety, depression, and even psychiatric disorders. Also, stress can cause emotions such as intolerance, dread, irritability, impatience, mood swings, and compulsive behavior and make you feel emotionally overwhelmed.

But stress doesn’t just affect your mental and emotional health, it can also damage your immune system, your hormones, your reproductive system, your heart, your nervous system, your metabolism, and even damage your digestion. It can also negatively affect the neural pathways in your brain and can affect your ability to learn, retain memories and damage your attention span. Chronic Stress can also cause sleeping problems, heart disease, headaches, and inflammation and negatively affect your blood pressure and blood sugar. Needless to say, Chronic Stress is not a good thing, and it wreaks havoc on your mental, emotional and physical well-being.

So what actually happens the moment you experience stress?

When you experience stress you go into fight or flight mode which affects your mood, your motivation and your level of fear. Also, cortisol is released from your adrenal glands, making you sweat, your heart race, your muscles tense, causes your breathing to go faster and can also cause trembling. Often going into fight or flight mode is your body’s way of initiating a response in an attempt to avoid imminent danger. For some people, this might look like your mind jumping into overdrive allowing you to figure out your next move. However, others might respond differently and may feel paralyzed by fear, while others will experience the urge to fight back. Either way, the end result will often leave you exhausted, worn out and emotionally drained. The good news is that our bodies are built in such a way that we are able to bounce back from the occasional stressful situation. However, when we experience frequent stress and our stress is prolonged then “it challenges the body’s ability to maintain physical and emotional homeostasis and is associated with negative bodily responses.” We already know all the negative side effects from Chronic Stress, but what exactly is Homeostasis?

Homeostasis is your body’s unique ability to maintain it internal environment. It is your body’s natural ability to return to a harmonious state by helping your reflexes return to “its previously calm state after a stressful encounter.” In fact, you can think of homeostasis as a little rubber band that stretches back and forth without breaking. This ability to stretch allows your body “to remain in a dynamic steady state, whereby it continually adjusts to maintain its internal function.” Simply put, this means that after a stressful, dangerous or scary situation, your body and mind will bounce back and you will be able to calm down and return to normal.  But if you experience chronic stress, then that means your body has lost the ability to re-balance itself. It means that your body can no longer reach homeostasis, or return to harmony because it’s stuck in the fight or flight stress-induced stage all the time.

If you are experiencing chronic stress, or even if your body has not yet lost the ability to reach homeostasis, but you feel stressed and overwhelmed so often, that you’ve forgotten what it feels like to be normal.… then start making it a priority to carve out time for yourself. Taking the time for yourself so you can recover and recharge is so important, because the longer you let stress build, the more likely you are to get stuck with Chronic Stress! This is why psychologists recommend finding activities you can engage in that reduce your stress. This means you are living in a constant state of stress, which has been proven to be very damaging to your mental, emotional and physical well-being.

So, if you think you might be stuck experiencing Chronic Stress, then it’s time to get proactive about recovering your peace. Make a commitment to be more engaged and take time to do what you like to do, so you can feel both calm and fulfilled. That might look like hiring a babysitter, turning your phone and TV off, or turning down that overtime at work so you have more free time. Or maybe it looks like having your spouse go out to have a guy’s or girl’s night out, so you can be alone and enjoy some peace and quiet.


Either way, resist the temptation to just watch TV or scroll through your phone endlessly to decompress. And instead try developing a stress-reducing hobby that invests in your mental, emotional and physical well-being.

If you need ideas for activities that have been proven to reduce stress than check out my next post: 20 WAYS TO REDUCE STRESS.

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All The Wonder of Self-Care

20 Ways To Reduce Stress

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When it comes to good self-care, managing a  tolerable level of stress is paramount. And prioritizing your peace above all else is one of the most important steps you can take to increase your well-being and wholeness. So how can you incorporate hobbies into your life that reduce your stress?  Well, stress relieving hobbies can look different for everyone, and certain activities that reduces stress for some people, may not work for others.  But either way, studies have shown that setting aside time to relax and decompress is a great way to relieve depression, anxiety, chronic pain and Chronic Stress.

So ask yourself, what do you gravitate towards when you have free time? What makes you feel more calm and collected after a hard, long day? Think about how this activity affects you emotionally, do you still feel anxious or tense afterwards?  Or perhaps you feel more at ease and quiet inside?

Also consider what you might be thinking about when you do these hobbies. Because how your thoughts change or are soothed during these activities are important and part of what helps you decompress.

So, without further ado, here are 20 things you can do, that have been proven to reduce stress. Try one, try all, try as many as you need to, until you find something that helps you feel more at ease and relaxed.

  1. Breathing exercises. Instead of the shallow breaths most of us take normally, focus on taking deep, even breaths through your diaphragm/abs without lifting your shoulders.
  2. Taking a nap. Believe it or not, studies have shown that regular naps can reduce stress.
  3. Meditating. You can do this either by clearing your mind or just by focusing on positive thoughts and practicing thinking about all the things you have to be grateful for.
  4. Try Yoga or Pilates. A lot of people find it helps them release pent-up stress and helps calms them down so they feel more centered in their body.
  5. Get a massage. Many people tend to hold stress in their physical body, and massages can be an excellent way to release the built-up tension in your muscles and limbs.
  6. Play your favorite music and dance or if you don’t know how to dance, look into taking a dance class. Sometimes just moving to music is a great outlet not only to express yourself but to get yourself out of your head and into the present. Also, it can help you get more in tune with your body and reduce tension.
  7. If you are crafty and sentimental, try creating a photo album or scrapbook. It’s a fun way to decompress while you’re using your creative side.
  8. Get in the Kitchen and start baking or cooking for fun, you can even take a course if you don’t have much experience.
  9. Paint! Or if you’re feeling less than confident, then see if there is a Paint and Sip class in your area and learn to paint for fun.
  10. Start a small flower or vegetable garden. As long as it’s relaxing for you, and doesn’t just turn into endless yard work projects, gardening has been proven to reduce stress.
  11. Art. Sculpting, drawing, or coloring adult coloring books are all great ways to relieve stress. There is a reason art therapy is becoming more popular because it allows you to tap into your deeper feelings and thoughts that you may not have known were even there. Also color does have deeper meanings behind it, which can be a window into how you’re really feeling. This means that using color can be a great way to bring subconscious emotions to the surface so you can let any pent-up emotions be released.
  12. Photography can also be considered art therapy and is just as useful because it gives you an outlet to express yourself through visual art media.
  13. Alternatively, you can try journaling or creative writing, to help get your thoughts and feelings out and relieve anxiety. Plus, there have been plenty of studies that show positive physical health benefits for those who express themselves through writing.
  14. Sewing and knitting are two great ways that allow you to shut your mind off and work with your hands. Also it can help take your mind away from your worries and help you reach a more meditative state of mind.
  15. Relaxing sports: Golfing, swimming, Horseback riding, Tai Chi and water sports have all been proven to have relaxing effects that reduce stress.
  16. Hiking in nature: This doesn’t have to be an aerobic exercise or an uphill climb, it can simply be walking through nature and appreciating the sights around you, while letting the soothing sounds of nature melt your stress. It can also help quiet your mind, allowing you the freedom to think without any distractions.
  17. You can also try learning an instrument, or just listen to music. While music is a known stress reliever, it can also evoke emotion and can help determine your internal feelings. Music also can help reveal things about who you are and it can help you express your emotions. So pay attention to how the music you listen to makes you feel emotional. Does it help calm you down and ease the tension? Or does it help you let out your pent-up feelings? Music that can do either of these things is an excellent way to feel less stressed.
  18. Reading is a great way to reduce stress because it allows you to shift your focus from daily stressors. And it can even lower your heart rate and ease tension in your muscles.
  19. Crafting: This can mean a lot of things, you can build something, decorate something, or just be creative upcycling random thrift stores find. Crafting can allow you to be creative while also feeling like you have something you can control. Which can help ease the stress from things in our life that we can’t control. And the bonus is that you’ll have something cool to show for it once you’re finished!
  20. For some people, organizing can be a great way to calm the mind, and feel accomplished while allowing you the stillness to decompress from a long day.

Your're Never Too Old To Read (Book Reviews)

Fairy-tale Retellings: Book Reviews

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If you love fairy-tale retellings as much as I do, here are a few recommendations I’ve read recently! All of these books were inspired by fairy-tales and folklore but have quite a twist.

Girls Made of Snow & Glass: 4.5 Stars

This is no ordinary fairy-tale retelling. This is pretty much the original Snow White story before it was mingled and mangled through the passage of time. This lovely gem is a touching and spellbinding story of betrayal, familial love and self discovery amid complex and deep relationships. Sadly the pace is rather slow, with more dialogue than action and there’s very little world building. But ultimately it’s about powerful women (who don’t need no prince) learning how to love and be loved in return.

Spinning Silver: 4.5 Stars

Recommended if you love brilliant retellings inspired by Rumpelstiltskin!
Naomi Novik is a phenomenal storyteller, able to weave bewitching tales full of twists & wonder. The atmospheric flow of her writing is charming & engaging but this is not a fast paced read; rather it’s something to be savored.With strong powerful heroines who are both flawed and relatable; layered and multidimensional they are sure to leave an emotional imprint. While compelling and fantastical, the many perspective changes (6 in total) can get very confusing!

Ever the Hunted: 3 Stars

Recommended if you like adventure and fantasy. The pace is a bit slow, the MC’s aren’t very bright and the plot is predictable. If you like relationship’s that waffle back and forth and a female with special snowflake syndrome, then you’ll love this. If not, this is a fun adventure, but it follows the same formula as most other YA novels In this genre.

The Darkest Part of The Forest by Holly Black:  3.5 Stars

An enchanting, enjoyable story with creepy creatures and unusual characters. Recommended for people who like fun fairy-tales, evil monsters, mischievous fairies and female Knights. Also recommended for very young people who like reading about high schoolers, fantasy and paranormal romances. With enough of a twist to make the over used plot seem kinda new and fun.

Stitching Snow: 3.5

Recommended for those who want to read a fairy-tale re-imagined with a scifi twist, (similar to the Lunar Chronicles). Featuring a tough, strong and vulnerable princess who refreshingly doesn’t need a man to save her. Although the story starts out slow, it does get more intriguing as it goes along. This clever Snow White retelling has just a hint of romance, and actually manages to makes Snow White a relatable, engaging, and complex princess worth admiring.

Entwined by Heather Dixon:  4 Stars

Recommended for those who like charming, re-imagined fairy-tales with a surprising twist. A Fun, lighthearted & magical fantasy with romance and princesses. Overall an entertaining read with a kick!

Poetry and Creative Writing For Those Who Dream

JE SUIS UNE ÉTOILE

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I am not just a mind.                                                                   I am not just a heart.                                                                              I am not just a body.                                                                             I am not just a spirit.

I am a star. 

Forged in the fiercest of circumstances.                                               A glorious medley of blood and brilliant stardust. 

Regarde moi!                                                                                      

One day I will resume my place among the heavens.