Category Archives: Navigating Topsy-Turvy Relationships

This section is all about creating better relationships based off the skills I am learning in my counseling, psychology and social work courses in Grad School. Here I write relationship tips I’ve learned myself in therapy, and growth based off my personal experiences regarding human connection.

All The Wonder of Self-Care, Navigating Topsy-Turvy Relationships

From Powerless to Powerful: Enforcing Boundaries

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As a child, I was powerless. Powerless to speak my mind, powerless to say no and powerless to express my needs and wants. But fast forward to plenty of therapy later, I am learning that I can be a powerful person and so, I’ve been more proactive in establishing healthy boundaries. Because as I mentioned in another post, boundaries are key to feeling powerful and having fulfilling healthy relationships!

I’m learning to recognize when I need to say no to people, and am not so quick to give, when I ‘m running on empty. Perhaps you know the feeling, perhaps you too are learning to set good boundaries so you don’t feel overrun and overextended all the time. But boundaries can be tricky, especially for those who are used to getting run over.

Trust me, I get it. In my attempt to hold good boundaries, I’ve had some setbacks. Quite a few to be honest. And I’m left feeling frustrated and taken advantage of once again, as I continue to bend over backwards for people. I’ve learned the hard way, that most people don’t seem to respond well to my boundaries and they push back, so I fold. Rather than stand my ground, I give in to what they want. I don’t enforce my boundaries because I either:

A) don’t want to put up a fight,

B) am worried about how they’ll respond and if they’ll get angry,

or C) I feel guilty for being “mean” and unaccommodating.

But as my counselor is teaching me, it’s not wrong for me to enforce my boundaries. In fact, it is paramount that I learn to enforce my boundaries so that I don’t I become, overwhelmed, irritable, impatient and resentful towards others. If I don’t maintain my boundaries, my relationships begin to feel heavy, one sided, and I end up getting taken advantage of. But the journey from a powerless person, to a powerful person isn’t easy and doesn’t happen overnight, especially if you’re surrounded by people who are used to you giving in when they don’t respect your boundaries.

But don’t give up, there is a way through this! The fact that you are even trying to set boundaries is an impressive step that shows you’re really trying to improve yourself and your relationships. Hang in there! Because even though we can’t control other people’s reaction to our boundaries, we can stick to our guns and grow stronger at holding them.

So, if you give someone a boundary and they roll right past it, remind them a second, third or fourth time; be kind, but firm. And make it clear that you won’t budge on your position until they agree to respect your position. Let it be a learning opportunity for them to realize that a healthy relationship takes mutual respect, perhaps they’ll grow with you. If they are treating you with disrespect or cruelty make it clear that you won’t engage with them until they treat you better, that those are your standards for friendship. And when they forget or slip back into old habits of being degrading or calling names, remind them of your boundary and make it clear that you won’t be around them until they stop treating you this way.

Or if you tell someone no and they ignore you and do what they want anyways, keep saying it and then remove yourself from the environment if they refuse to listen. And if they’re asking for something from you (for a favor, for your time, money, resources, or emotional help) clearly let them know what you need from them in advance. Communicate what your boundaries are, so that you don’t take on too much and get burnt out helping others. Remember, it’s not wrong to want to help people, but there is a fine line between rescuing and helping, and the moment we become someone’s rescuer is the moment we overextend ourselves and run the risk of burn out. Ask yourself what they can take responsibility for, so that their problems, needs or requests aren’t all on your plate. Is there a part they can do to help themselves, so you’re not taking care of them?

Unfortunately, sometimes people will agree to your boundaries when you tell them (some people will agree to anything) but when the time comes, they still haven’t done their part. And yet they’ll expect you to fulfill your end of the bargain. It can really be infuriating! But if you (like me) are used to giving in to others and are new to holding boundaries, then your natural instinct will be to forget the boundaries you set and just do whatever they want to get them off your back. This is any easy cycle to fall back into, but please don’t! Instead, remind them of the commitment they made to you, before you give them what they want. Make it very clear (because maybe they didn’t understand last time, or simply didn’t think you meant it). But be up front that you are waiting on them to fulfill their end of the bargain and that they must respect your boundaries before you move forward.

Sometimes you might feel like you’re being a stickler, or being mean, or like your being heartless, but you’re not! If you are learning to set boundaries than it’s really important to not let the small stuff slide. To not give in when they put up a fight, because your peace of mind and well-being matters! You shouldn’t have to give in to people who get upset at boundaries, just because you’re a peacemaker. Practice enforcing your boundaries even when it seems insignificant or not worth the hassle. It’s far too easy to say they really seem to be fighting back, so perhaps I should give in, it isn’t worth the fight. But what you’re really saying is that you’re not worth the fight, that your peace of mind, and ability to not feel overwhelmed and pushed around isn’t worth it. And that’s not true, you are worth it! Your mental and emotional health is worth standing your ground for and is worth fighting for. You are worth fighting for! So stop letting people use up all your energy, and don’t let people treat you as worth less than you are! Some people will take you for granted if you let them, so stand your ground and enforce those boundaries when when it seems hard or like it’s so small it doesn’t matter. Because you matter! Focusing on your self-care doesn’t make you selfish, it’s what helps you grow into a healthy, happy and powerful person. You can do this.

Photo Credit: Pexel.com

All The Wonder of Self-Care, Navigating Topsy-Turvy Relationships

From Powerless to Powerful: Why Boundaries Matter

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Chances are, you’re like most of the human race and you weren’t taught how to create healthy boundaries as a child. You may not know that much about what boundaries are or how they can help you become a powerful person. I of all people know how that feels, I’ve spent most of my life letting people in without regard to boundaries and then in response I would inevitably erect giant walls when I became hurt or overwhelmed. I thought the walls would keep me safe, but as I’ve learned from my therapist, they only temporarily suppressed my fears and kept out all the love and companionship I desperately desired. Because building up walls not only keeps out the bad, it keeps out the good.

In our attempt to protect ourselves from the bad in the world, we end up blocking out opportunities to let in the good. But don’t feel bad, most all of us do it, it’s a knee jerk self-protective reaction to hurtful experiences. Unfortunately in the end, all it does is stifle your heart and suffocate your voice until your left miserable, repressed, exhausted and alone.

So, here’s where those notorious boundaries come into play; boundaries allow you to become a powerful person. Boundaries help you speak up for yourself and vocalize your needs (thereby taking the power back in your life so you no longer feel like a victim). And boundaries also allow you to weed out the hurtful and controlling relationships that are negatively affecting you. When people don’t have boundaries they end up at the mercy of others, vulnerable to damage or abuse. But healthy boundaries will actually help you recognize your self-worth and build your self-esteem, because you’ll understand that you really do deserve better. And clear boundaries will also help you build your trust in others and create respectful, supportive and caring relationships you can rely on.

So how does a person go about creating healthy boundaries rather than building giant walls of self-protection? I’m glad you asked. In my experience setting boundaries, can be as simple (and as difficult) as telling people no. It can look like walking away from someone and not spending more time with them when they treat you poorly. And it can also look like having clear conversations where you share your expectations of what you want your relationship to look like. Ultimately boundaries requires patience and open communication with people around you. It can be scary at first, and if you’re like me, it can take a long time to get used to, but ridding yourself of the dead weight of codependency is competently liberating. And from someone who’s made it to the other side by weeding out the bad relationships and setting clear boundaries, I am here to say, it is so worth it. Thanks to setting boundaries, I have so much more patience, freedom, peace of mind, confidence and self-love that I almost don’t recognize the happy person I’ve become.

So, take some time to think about areas where you feel poorly treated in your relationships, or like you’re being pulled on too much. Do you often find yourself bending over backwards for people? Are you trying to make others happy or are afraid to let people down? Do you feel taken advantage of, like your friendships are one sided? Or maybe you have a close relationship with someone who always puts you down or makes you feel bad about yourself? Do you have people in your life who try to control or influence you and cause you to feel powerless or defeated after being around them? Do they tear at your self esteem, and make you feel like you’re less than them? Do you often find yourself saying yes to people out of guilt, even when you don’t want to, or know you don’t have the time or energy to do what they’re asking? Do you feel like a victim being tossed around by others or feel drained all the time? Do you feel like you are living your life for someone else and not being true to yourself and what you want or need?

If you answered yes to these questions, then you’re likely in need of some strong boundaries in your life. Even though it may seem hard at first, and you may worry about losing relationships, I promise you the freedom you’ll find on the other side is worth it. Sadly, not everyone will respond kindly to your newly erected boundaries and some might even go as far as to reject you. But just know that if they do, then those were never good relationships that were going to last anyways. Let those toxic people go, and focus on finding people who can respect your boundaries so that you can both feel mutually respected, and supportive. Without boundaries there can be no trust, and without trust vulnerability becomes dangerous. and relationships dysfunctional.

A good place to start setting boundaries is to pause and think about the things in your life that you want people to stop saying to you. And to think about the things you want people to stop doing to you, or around you.

According to PsychCentral.com you should think critically about your current boundaries and ask yourself some of these key questions:

  • “How much attention do people expect from you at a moment’s notice?”
  • “Do you always make yourself available?”
  • “How much praise and acceptance do you receive?”
  • “How do you feel after spending time with each friend or family member?”

After analyzing your answers, think about the areas in your life where you could use some vocalized boundaries. If you’re always available to go out of your way for someone at a moments notice, maybe you start setting time limits on your availability, so that you don’t feel so exhausted. If you feel drained, defeated or powerless after being around a certain person, think about what they’re saying… are they critical, judgmental or disrespectful to you? If so, tell them how their words or tone makes you feel and let them know that you won’t tolerate being treated as inferior… and that if they want your company they need to treat you with more respect. (And make sure to let them know that you’ll do the same for them as well, because respect goes both ways.)

If you’re saying yes to everyone all the time out of guilt, ask yourself why you feel so guilty, will the world really end if you don’t do this thing for someone? If guilt is motivating you, then try saying no to people and only saying yes when you have the energy or resources to do so. If you get frustrated helping someone who’s always in a crisis, resist the impulse to fix their problems or rescue them, but instead problem solve creative solutions and encourage them to be brave enough to find their own solution without pulling you in to save them. Or if someone always needs you at the last minute, let them know that they can’t pull on you at the last minute because you need advance notice. Also, if someone one is always trying to influence you, then speak up and tell them you’re going to follow your own instincts because you trust yourself to know what you need. Whatever it looks like, the first step to setting better boundaries is to raise your voice and share with the people in your life where your limits and expectations are.

For more information on setting boundaries check out Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend’s famous book Boundaries. Or click the link below to check out PsychCentral’s article on the importance of boundaries.

https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-importance-of-personal-boundaries#1

Navigating Topsy-Turvy Relationships

What does Gas-lighting look like?

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Are You Being Gas-lighted?

Gas-lighting is when you “manipulate someone through psychological means into questioning their own sanity.”

But what does that really mean? Well simply put,  it’s when you have someone in your life (could be a spouse or parent) who intentionally sows seeds of doubt into you, so that you doubt your own reality. They continually discredit your own thoughts, ideas, beliefs until  you no longer trust your own eyes and mind. Until you doubt things you once knew for certain!

More often than not, you will need to be relatively isolated for this type of “brainwashing” to work. So this person will aim to keep you alienated from others, and distrusting of everyone but them, so that in time, you learn to take their word as complete truth. They will tell you all kinds of awful things about your friends and family and will also tell you about how your friends and family complain about you  (or don’t like you). This will cause you to stop trusting everyone else and trust only the person gas-lighting you.

Your independence  will slowly evaporate, and so will your self esteem. You won’t feel confident enough to make friends or open up to anyone except for the person gas-lighting you.

They have you right were they want you, now they can tell you any lies and treat you any way they want, knowing that they’ll get away with it. They have effectively convinced you that a) those things never happened, or b) that you overreacting and are irrational or “crazy”.

Seems intense right? But gas-lighting, doesn’t have to be intense and obvious for it to be dangerous.  Even a small amount of subtle gas-lighting can be very harmful, as it will gradually eat away at your perception of reality.

If you think you are being gas-lighted here is a list of red flags from  Psychology Today. These ten symptoms are all pretty common in gas-lighting victims.

  1. You start to question if you are too sensitive. ( Example:  You’re told you are too easily offended and need to stop holding on to things from the past and just get over it!)
  2. You often feel confused and have a hard time making simple decisions. (Ex: You feel so indecisive and lack the confidence to make a decision and stand up for it. Also the gas-lighter twists everything in circles so that you can’t get anywhere in a conversation or argument.)
  3. You find yourself constantly apologizing. (Ex: Even when someone wrongs you, you get pulled into sympathizing and coddling them, and start apologizing for anything and everything. Or maybe you feel like you’re walking on eggshells and are afraid to set them off.)
  4. You can’t understand why you’re so unhappy. (Ex: Perhaps everything looks good on the outside of your life and yet you are miserable, depressed and hopeless.)
  5. You often make excuses for your partner’s behavior. (Ex: You justify it, because they don’t know any better, or because they had a bad day, or bad childhood and so on.)
  6. You feel like you can’t do anything right. (Ex: You are always the problem, always messing up. Eventually you start to question your own sanity. You wonder whats wrong with you!)
  7. You often feel like you aren’t good enough for others. (Ex: Your self confidence has been stripped away and your self esteem has hit a new low.)
  8. You have the sense that you used to be a more confident, relaxed and happy person. (Ex: You hardly recognize or like  yourself anymore. You feel totally insecure or diminished.)
  9. You are constantly second-guessing yourself. ( Ex: Did that even happen like you think it did? Perhaps you’re irrational and  imagining it.)
  10. You withhold information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain things. (Ex: You think they don’t understand him/her like you do. Or you don’t know how or want to talk about it, because your not even sure whats real anymore.)
  11. You start lying to avoid the accusations.  (Ex: You are sick of your version of events being so twisted, that you start lying about what happened just to avoid the accusations and confrontation that you know will inevitably be twisted.)

Do you recognize yourself any any of these? If you do, know that you are not crazy! Not even a little bit!

If you feel like you are being gas-lighted by a spouse or parent, my suggestion is for you to get as far away from them as possible! But, since I know that getting out isn’t always possible, here are a couple ways for you to take your power back and regain your sanity.

  • Stop taking responsibility for their feelings.
  • Don’t believe everything they say, recognize them for what they are: A Liar.
  • Don’t let them blame you for their actions. They are responsible for what comes out of them, not you!
  • Learn how to draw healthy boundaries & enforce them.
  • spend time around people who will encourage you & build you up, rather then tear you down.
  • Trust yourself, trust your instincts & don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
  • Stick up for yourself! That also means knowing when to walk away.
  • The moment you feel them trying to guilt trip you, reject it. Don’t let the guilt in!
  • Spend time pampering & loving yourself.
  • Find ways to regain your self esteem, & independence, do something you once loved to do.
  • Write things down, so that it will be easier for you to trust your own memory.
  •  Get some counseling or find some one mature you can talk with, to help you sort through all the lies.
  • Remember that people often accuse other of what they are guilty of, similarly people are cruel and shaming to others, after they have first treated themselves that way.  So know that it really isn’t you  with the problems… it them.

For more info or help about gas-lighting check out the link: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/getting-back-out-there/201610/10-ways-tell-if-youre-being-gaslighted

Navigating Topsy-Turvy Relationships

Helping those who won’t help themselves

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Some of you might feel like you are enlightened…

Like you know alot about life, and you’re probably right.

Perhaps you’re really observant and discerning so you watch people struggle or make problems and think, “if only they knew ______ they would be better off.”

Or maybe you think  “they could fix there problems, if they only knew this particular thing, that I’ve had to learn the hard way!”You think that you could save them this whole struggle, if you could just teach them what you learned when you went through the very same thing!

So maybe you decide to go tell them  exactly what they can do to fix things, or how they can see things clearly and make better choices. So you give them your best advice, knowing that it is valuable and helpful.

After all, hindsight is 20/20, you can look back on what you have learned and share it with others so they don’t make the same mistakes you did. So awesome right!?

So you give your advice thinking you’ve helped them. Maybe it’s someone close to you, you tell them how to make things better but they don’t listen, so you keep trying to help them,  trying to teach them, trying to encourage them… you go round and round in circles trying to solve their problems for them (since you have a good head on your shoulders you might as well help, right?) Wrong.

Because eventually (after trying your hardest and expending all your energy and resources) you will discover that you’re getting nowhere. That you’re not actually helping anyone!

You can’t force someone to learn, to grow or improve. They have to want it.  And sadly most people in the world don’t want someone to tell them what will work better (even if it will). Because they are going to do, what they are gonna do regardless of what you recommend, or want from them.
So wait to be asked, wait until someone genuinely wants help.

And keep in mind that even when someone asks for help or advice, more often then not, they just want you to affirm what they already plan on doing.

It’s REALLY hard to keep your mouth shut when you know things that can help others. It’s hard not to stop some one, when you know they are about to veer off course into a terrible head on collision.

But if they don’t want it. They will not hear it, and you’ll only exhaust yourself with the effort.

You have to let people make their own mistakes. Even though you can save them, they have to muddle through there own mess until they decide its worth it to try a different way!

For some that may take a lifetime, and it may be incredibly painful for you to stay involved and watch them sort through it all. Which is why, sometimes its OK to take a step away from that relationship, so they don’t drag you down with them.

No matter how many times you try to beat good sense  into someone’s head, it’s not going to stick.

There have been so many times I fell for the line, “I want to be better, just teach me how, tell me and show me what to do.”

Only to find that this person completely disregarded every bit of advice I’d offered. Because they only wanted the appearance of change, but never made any effort to follow through!

Sometimes people will burst into tears, and beg you to help them. Only to turn around and keep doing the same self destructive and hurtful things.  They fall back into the same cycles of dysfunction that they always default to. But why? The tears seemed so genuine and they truly seemed like they wanted to be better!

What most people don’t realize is that they weren’t really crying tears of regret, they just wanted to change the topic from you giving them your hard-won advice, to you comforting them and feeling sorry for them. They had no intention of changing, they just want you to sympathize with them, so that you can learn to be OK with how they act. (Some might refer to this as gas-lighting & brain washing.)

Eventually you start to understand where they’re coming from, so you lower your standards.  Suddenly you begin to sympathize with why they act the way they do, and why they treat you the way they do. You begin to accept (or minimize) the bad behavior and stop expecting  that you be treated well.  Little by little, you justify and explain away their poor choices as your self respect, self esteem and self confidence gradually diminish.

Every once in a while  (when they cross a line) they’ll put on such a great act of contriteness and sorrow, that you’ll believe it! Because you want to believe it, because you want to think that you are helping them, grow, change and mature.

But you’re not, you’re just falling for an elaborate and age-old act.

Don’t fall for it!

Don’t be so blinded by what you want people to be, that you start seeing what isn’t even there!

Don’t be so blinded that you can’t see the performance that’s right in front of you.

And don’t cast your pearls of wisdom before swine.

Don’t try to help someone who doesn’t want help. You will end up wearing yourself raw, spending all you’re energy trying to change/help someone who doesn’t want to change.  And they probably won’t ever change, because they’ve got YOU in their life, always nearby to fix things, and pick up the broken pieces. So that their life can continue, without them ever having to grow up or mature and be responsible for their own mistakes.

After all, why would they want to change? They’ve got you nearby to rescue them, and all they have to do is pretend like they want to be better, so you’ll stick around desperately trying to save/help them.  Because you see the potential for good… But remember if they DO NOT want to change (which means they’re willing to work hard and make sacrifices and stop putting themselves first) then you are wasting your time.  They have to WANT it so desperately, that they will pursue it, with or without you there to help.

Navigating Topsy-Turvy Relationships

How The Beauty & The Beast Story Really Ends

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Beauty & The Beast  AKA “The Rescuer & Mr.  Potential”

Beauty and The Beast was one of my favorite movies as child, I absolutely adored Belle and really identified with how bookish and nerdy she was. I always thought the ending was so romantic. I’m sure you all know the story, Belle falls in love with an angry & broken Beast, because she see’s the potential & the good in him. They fall in love, he softens up and becomes a better man and then they all live happily ever after!

This is a well known fairy tale that has constantly been retold and re-imagined. People of all generations seem to admire & love this story. (I know I did!) The problem is, the love  story behind it is a myth.  It is a complete work of fiction. Love doesn’t work that way. Belle & the Beast would not live Happily Ever After, in reality their romance would be much, much more strained and difficult.

Now I’m not saying we shouldn’t give imperfect people a chance. We should. (After all, we all hit some low points in life) I’m saying that there is a healthy way that takes a lot of hard work and a very dysfunctional, self destructive way that causes a lot of pain.

Scenario 1. Cautiously Investing in the Beast

Belle has compassion for a cruel & broken Beast (man or woman) &  wants to save him. She see’s that he’s hurting and is taking out his inner pain (in the form of angry outbursts) onto others.  So she gives him an opportunity to be a healthier, stronger & kinder person, by being a good example herself. She doesn’t try to teach or influence him and she only helps when the Beast humbly asks for it.

Then she watches and waits to see if the Beast is actually putting any effort into changing. (Does he  truly want what she has? ) And if he is making an effort, then Belle knows it’s worth it to take a chance on him.  Belle knows that undoing an entire lifetime of  wrong ways of thinking, of hurtful habits, cruel tendencies, angry outbursts and temper problems is incredibly difficult to change! So she lets him change before she lets herself fall madly in love with him. This may seems less romantic, or less exciting, but Belle is wisely deciding if her investing in the Beast is going to be worthwhile.

Similarly the Beast must be willing to accept personal responsibility and choose everyday to change his character. The Beast also has to relearn everything he once knew about himself and relationships. (which is NO easy task!) He has to commit to putting in the hard work of changing and bettering himself. And he must stop letting his own personal pain blind him from the damage he is causing others.

Belle needs to understand that this is something he has to do and has to choose on his own. And that change won’t happen over night, it’s gonna be a long and difficult process for the Beast. He will absolutely make mistakes and will let her down and will subsequently  hurt her in the process. Belle has to be willing to take that risk. She also has to challenge herself to see the Beast as he really is, not as how she wants him to be. And she has to resist the urge to fix him. He must fix himself!

If the Beast makes no effort to rescue/change himself, then Belle can  put her own, emotional and physical safety before his (without feeling guilty) and can leave the unhealthy relationship.

Seems pretty tough doesn’t it? But consider the other alternative, the easier, and more common relationship dynamic that we see again and again in fairy tales and romantic comedies…

Scenario 2. Belle romantically saves the Beast from himself.

Belle has compassion for a cruel & broken man (or woman) and wants to save him. She see’s that he’s hurting & taking out his inner pain on others. She believes that there is something special about her that will bring out the Beast’s inner goodness. She wants to help him! More than he wants to help himself. (After all if he really wanted to be happier/ better, he would be making some sort of effort on his own.) Belle decides that she knows how to help him become a better person and begins teaching him how to grow up and change. (AKA mothering him). She falls in love with him and his potential and continues molding him into the person he could be! It’s all so wildly romantic!

But once they’re in love, it gets messy. Belle (being the good natured and nurturing woman that she is) will continually sacrifice her own needs, for the Beast needs. She will value him above all else. And he will also value himself above all else.

When the Beast acts mean or hurtful, Belle will try even harder to fix/help him. With good intentions she’ll keep teaching him (but the Beast will eventually see it as nagging).  Because Belle believes she is helping her Beast learn how to be a healthy, kind and loving man, she’ll motivate him by dangling her love in front of him. But the Beast won’t learn the lesson she’s teaching.

Instead he learns very quickly, that the better he acts and performs for her, the more affection and good times he will have with her.  (ie, her love is conditional and he has to put on a good performance to get her affection, he can’t be himself around her.) Belle thinks she’s gotten through to him and this reaffirms her desire to fix and rescue him from his pain and poor behavior.  Seems like a happily ever after right??

The difference here, is that the Beast hasn’t actually changed, he’s just become a better actor. The Beast will still engage in the same mean and selfish behaviors like he’s always has. He may apologize or justify his behavior, saying “I’ve had a bad day” or “I’m stressed out” or “I’ve been through too much.”  Or he may be more manipulative and claim “I did that because you did this….” or “I don’t know how to be any different or be better, this is just who I am.”

But these are all excuses designed to make Belle feel guilty and responsible for the beasts mistakes/abuse. Typically the reason for the Beasts underlying harmful behaviors can stem from either depression, severe anxiety, childhood trauma/abuse, PTSD or addictions. (All very sad things, that are easy to sympathize with!) The Beast unfortunately won’t take any responsibility for his actions towards Belle (or else he would have done it long before Belle showed up at his door!)

In fact, he now has the perfect scapegoat…. Belle. He will convince himself that her constant nagging and desire to fix him, is whats causing his inner turmoil and therefore bad behavior and choices. The Beast will take advantage of her kind, helping nature, he will let her pour herself out for him, and then give very little in return. (Why? Because he can! Belle lets him.)

Belle will wonder how he can be so cruel to her, after all she’s only tried to help him and love him in her imperfect way. The relationship will begin to feel very once sided as Belle continues to take care of, and take responsibility for the Beast. The Beast will resent and blame Belle for his problems and Belle will eventually believe that she really is the cause of all the strife. Years will go by, and ever so slowly Belle will finally realize that he hasn’t actually changed his character at all. He’s just put on a very convincing performance.

Yes, the Beast may have heard all her advice, but he didn’t take it to heart, he didn’t learn how to put his selfishness aside. And he didn’t make any inward changes to build his character, instead he says what he knows Belle wants to hear. (After all she’s been telling him for years what she wants/needs from him).  He will say the words she’s been longing  for, but it wont be genuine, because behind her back he’ll revert to the person he always was. (He hasn’t really changed at all!) He is still just as dysfunctional and beastly as he was in the beginning, he’s just much better at hiding it now. This will of course exhaust and stress him, because he’s hiding who he is, always acting and performing for Belle. This in turn will cause him to be even more short-tempered than he was in the beginning.  And his abusive nature will continually slip through the cracks and sadly, Belle will get used to it and tolerate it more and more. Like a frog in a frying pan, she won’t realize how bad it is, until it gets much worse. Most likely she will change into 1 of 3 options:

  1. A hurt, angry and bitter woman who becomes controlling and manipulative in order to get the kind of love (or revenge) she desires from the Beast.
  2. Or she will become depressed, exhausted, defeated and desperate to numb or escape the emotional pain, disappointment and heartbreak she feels.
  3. Or she’ll be so lonely and desperate for love that she’ll start looking for another person to fall in love (or in lust) with.

In all 3 of these scenarios Belle becomes miserable, lonely and disappointed and finds herself unable to connect and revive the romance she once had with the Beast. AND most likely she’ll end up searching for another Mr. potential to rescue, and then repeat the cycle. After all, it’s what she’s become accustomed to.

OR she can take responsibility for her own actions, own up to how she was forcing the Beast to be something he’s not (and didn’t ever want to be). She can realize how she was enabling his bad behavior, even though she thought she was helping him. She can also take a hard look at herself and question her inner need to save people… perhaps all along she really just needed to save and rescue herself.

So the next time you find your self infatuated with the romantic notion of rescuing the broken, brooding  Edward Cullen type, remember that this particular fairy-tale is a recipe for disaster.  It takes either a lot of work and commitment and maturity from you and your partner…. or ends in self destruction and heartbreak for both people.