It all slipped through my fingers,

until nothing was left.

                                    And then there was you.

All the cotton candy clouds floated higher, stronger,

carried me over mud valleys and streams.

To a rainbow colored city, sparkling on a hill

dancing, singing, cheering; calling me home.

I tasted those waters, as you sang your civilization deep,

Waded through the filth; creatures skittering by my feet.

I narrowly dodged the brier, solved the maze led on by starlight,

Though I lost my sense of scent, I learned to close my nose tight.

I was warned this land holds wonders; a beauty we must consume, 

Told, “here lies the graves of the greatest,” hidden beneath the fumes.

Her’s is a city made of gold, glittering defiant in the dark,

Eternity in her stride, triumph her eternal patriarch.

With labored breaths I found the treasure; your heart a pulsing doorway,

I knocked and knocked as long as I dared, but you couldn’t recall your own name.

You spend your life collecting ghosts.

But it’s only a half-life. Straddling the netherworld

Never present, always hunting, always haunted.

Certain of your Search. Slowly dying,

Haunted by the voices you collect.

There he comes

…one more ghost to collect.

My heart’s submerged beneath these murky depths

I’m swept away by tidal waves of turmoil

Bubbling over, spilling with emotions

Turn back, the chaos sinks deep here

Heart swells, it ebbs and flows; drowning with feeling

The tempest threatens to pull ships under.

The kraken waits to devour  these depths.

No class ever taught me how to navigate these seas

I was blissfully soaring high,

Wrapped In wings

Leaping wild, star to star.

Painting the sky with supernovas

Bursting, brilliant.

.

Riding the wave with everyone else,

Burning both ends

Feathers bloomed, destined to crumble

My Freefall tumble from silent clouds

Crashing, sinking.

.

The ground rose to meet me.

It held me there.

As a tired blackness captured the sky.

My lows are so much worse than the highs.

Swing low, evermore.

 An explosion went off inside me

Prior tenants were excavated.

Left in its wake; an empty tension.

Strung out through a hollow cage.

This rotting carcass accumulates a million small deaths.

Strange that I’m breathing

Stranger still, the beating. A million to one.

Ther you are, a tiny hurried creature.

You burrow beneath my skin searching for a cradle

Didn’t you read the sign?

“Abandon all hope ye who enter here”

Scattered along my wayside, only corpses for a blanket.

These rainbow roots have withered.

The sky within rains black.

There is nothing more for you to scavenge.

(Only my ghost remains)

“I am expecting.”

It is my current state of being.

It is a heart bursting with wonder, enticed by promise. 

It is the excitement of watching secret dreams unfold.

It is surreal ecstasy, almost too good to be true.

It is the fulfillment of the once trampled spark of hope. 

It is the inability to sleep, ecstatic with anticipation.

It is the serene joy of a miracle is on its way.

It is me, watching with expectancy as dreams come to life.

“I am expecting.”

My belly is brimming with hope. 

Anticipating the birth of long pined for dreams. 

---

From the beginning I am against this.

Your haughty suggestion sears through me and my instincts shout no.

My imprisoned mind thunders with rage, that I’m expected to meet your expectations.

But no one  told me that what I feel has value, so I ignore my soul.

The ground drops from beneath me and i’m hollowed out.

I must swallow it down, swallow it all down.

I embrace the sickeningly familiar resignation that swoops in.

Hiding a desperate cry for help in my  smile, I give what you want.

My obligation must be paid, and debt fulfilled. Isn’t this how it works?

When it’s over my insides twist in nausea, horrified at what I’ve done.

I have turned against myself. Disgusted by you, disgusted by me.

Heavy self disapproval looms, suffocating in shades of black.

World-ending shame sears through my insides with a ferocious strength.

As self reproach shreds my heart with a million screaming arrows.

I’m left empty and full of self hatred, sinking down a dark hole.

I hide out of sight, fearful of social interaction and tired of being trampled.

Wanting to be anyone but me, unable to escape my own powerlessness.

 

 

 

I’m not responsible for your fraying ego and splintering bones,

 I won’t whisper soothing words of flattery and prose.

Don’t make me responsible, to make up for what you lack,

Stop thrusting your needs at my feet, for me to piggyback.

I don’t want it, this swirling crescendo of your self hate,

Don’t make me responsible to hold your tattered heart in place.

I don’t want the weight of your fractured soul in my palm,

Don’t make me responsible, I’m not your miracle healing balm.

I won’t cradle the insecurities of your raging, sporadic mind,

I’ll carry no torches for you, your burdens I can’t abide.

Don’t make me responsible to cater to your wildfire offenses,

I won’t weigh myself down, with your expected pretenses.

Don’t make me apologize for existing on my own terms,

I refuse to carry the inferno of your dwindling self worth.

You proclaim wholeness, but your fragility is out on your sleeve,

You’re a hurricane of emotions, but think your thick-skin deceives.

It’s not my job to comfort your withering self perception,

I will not play your fictitious game of delusion and deception.

Your chasing a phantom, that will only trap you in its longing,

Your duplicity fools most, but I won’t be caught in your tsunami.

Your jagged edges and wretched mind, cant seem to grasp the light,

But don’t make me responsible for something

you can’t hold inside.